Musician Joke Friday - fun with photos

REO’s Kevin Cronin stops for photos at the opening of his

1-woman show: “Diller . . . Phyllis with laughter.”

Musician Joke Friday

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?

Evidently all of them.

Cat Content Continues . . .

A mechanic at an auto service shop in a south suburb of Chicago, thought he heard a cat's meow coming from a customer's van he was driving on Tuesday.When he returned to the auto service shop, he lifted the van's hood and found a kitten sitting next to the radiator.Radiators can generate about 350 degrees of heat, but the kitten came out unscathed. The mechanic named the secret dweller "Lucky" and took her home.

Hey, Hey . . . Cute (psycho) Cats!

Emo Joke Wednesday - Special Jazz Edition

How do you turn a duck into a jazz musician?














Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Emo Joke Wednesday

How do you get an EMO singer off of your front porch?

Pay for the pizza.

Have Another . . . Lindsey's Rehab Blog

. . . just kidding, folks. I couldn't do that to you.

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

Did you hear, I’m getting out today? I can’t believe it. I was just getting used to this place and my dry skin is so much better. I guess this will be my last post and I can go back to ignoring all of you and everyone I’ve met in the last few weeks.

I’m really going to miss “Sugar”, she’s been a great roommate. She ain’t nothin’ but a buck o’ nine, sopping wet . . . tiny thing. I hardly noticed her in the cell. She kept to herself and curled up in the corner each night. Pretty quiet too. She never said much and we never had words. And when we did, it ain’t nothin’ the back o’ my hand wasn’t been able to fix. That girl’s gonna be alright. I jacked White Power Jill and Ray Ray last night after I heard the news about my release. I made it through number 27 on my cut list. So little time, so much to do. I think I’m a stronger person because of this experience . . . enough of this crap, get me outta here.

I need a vodka, a Blackberry and a candy blue Mercedes toot sweet. You know what they say . . . you can take the socialite out of society but you can’t take society out of the socialite. Ta.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

Double secret probation?

In March, police in Ann Arbor, Mich., were called to the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity at the University of Michigan after a female trespasser entered during the dinner hour and ignored repeated attempts to get her to leave (even though she merely sat down, removed her clothes and masturbated). Fraternity members said later they would throw out the two sofas she touched.

Dean Wormer was heard to comment, “What is the worst fraternity on this campus? This year, it's gonna be different. This year we'll grab the bull by the balls...and kick those punks off campus! There is a little-known codicil in the Constitution...which gives the Dean unlimited power to preserve order...in time of campus emergency. The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.”

It Is No "Open Mic Night at The White Horse", But Still...

The Ramones in Champaign, Illinois...



...at the Red Lion Inn on Green Street in Campustown (you can see the IHOP in some interview sequences).

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

I have a roommate now. That should break up the monopoly (is that right?). It’s always nice to have someone to listen to you talk . . . and to do the cleaning, cooking and grooming. I bought “Sugar” from Ray Ray, a lifer, for seven packs of cigs and a pack of juicy fruit. Good deal – though I probably could have picked her up for less. Ya know what I’m sayin’. I didn’t want to push it - Ray Ray doesn’t have much to look forward to and juicy fruit does make one heckuva stick of gum. I can’t deny her that. Besides, she’s number 13 on my list. I’ll be jackin’ her in nothin’ flat . . . ya know what I’m sayin’?! And that’s when I get paid. It’s all good.

I hear White Power Jill is having “problems” with my relationship with “Sugar”. It’s all good. I’m not sure she has my best interests in mind, anyway. Just because we tight don’t mean there’s not enough of me to go around. They can’t get enough of me in here. It’s like that German guy said to his boys in that one war, “On your feet, ladies – next stop, Paris.” Besides, I still have like 20 days left. Maybe I need to expand my “sphere of influence.” I saw that phrase in one of my newspapers . . . I don’t even know what that means. The more I think about it, I’m going to move White Power Jill up to number 7 on my cut list . . . maybe number 5. Such politics. They really should offer some sort of jail primer. I was totally unprepared for this.

He's A Whore

Rick Nielsen entered the Capitol like the rock star he is: A flashy man in a zebra-stripe jacket, trademark ball cap and dark sunglasses — but he had to remove his jewelry to clear a metal detector at the front door. Officially, Nielsen was there to commemorate a resolution introduced Tuesday by Sen. Dave Syverson, R-Rockford, to proclaim April 1 “Cheap Trick Day” in Illinois. But his appearance was more of a midday party for his fans.

The Cheap Trick guitarist and Rockford native was off with a bang. For the next two hours Tuesday, he shook Illinois government free from its traditional decorum with a never-ending stream of wisecracks about sex, drugs, rock ’n’ roll and criminal activity.

The 60-year-old rocker charmed state officials, lawmakers, legislative staff and bystanders during his first visit to the Capitol. He hugged most everybody who walked by and stood for photos with the hordes of people who lined up for a glimpse.

Rick Nielson visits Illinois Statehouse

...tip of the hat to Dave's Homeroast (buy some, it is really good).

Emo Joke Wednesday

What's the range of an EMO singer?

About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

Motley Crue Bubble Bath?

Awww, hellz to the yeahz....

Bubble Bath

"I'm going to start picking out yachts I like..."
-- Todd Fletcher

Heaven . . . thy name is Seattle

A Seattle social service agency is conducting an experiment: offering subsidized apartments where known alcoholics can keep boozing at a fraction of the cost.

On a recent visit to the building, a big sunny dining room was half-full of residents in various stages of intoxication. The air smelled slightly of alcohol, but there were no cans or bottles around.

Nirvana.

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

I’m definitely a different person, especially after the other night. Don’t ask . . . you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. I’ll be alright as long as I focus on my causes . . . breast cancer and MS awareness. You know what?! F-them!

. . . Did I just say that? Those are my causes, what’s coming over me? Am I being changed by this experience? I’ve got to busy myself and get my mind straight. Maybe I’ll start a list of people that need to be cut. Hopefully I can finish it by the time my shank is ready.

Big In Japan

"Every once in a while, a product so revolutionary is introduced that you just can't help but e-mail pictures of it to friends and family.

It's really not bad. It doesn't taste so much like cucumber as it does the white part of watermelon, when you get down to the rind. It's quite dry, like ginger ale."

...tip of the hat to former Great Crusades' guitarist and Buttslamarama front man (sic), Rod Van Huis.

Here is a video of Rod's daughter (in cowboy hat) in a fashion model shoot for an advertisement for Right-On! Jeans.

Ace of Bass

Sorry for my absence of late. The drummer de-tuned one of my strings and wouldn't tell me which one.

...tip of the hat to Sweet Betty.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

What's tragic about a van, loaded with 5 trombones, running off the side of a cliff?

There was room for more trombones.

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

I gotta get out of here. That was the worst Father's Day . . . ever!

Get ready to kiss your A** goodbye . . .

In a change of heart, Mel C is not opposed to Spice Girls reunion.

"For the first time ever, there is some truth in the rumors. We've been discussing it and it could possibly happen," the 33-year-old singer, known as Sporty Spice, told British Broadcasting Corp. radio.

Fans from the netherworld were heard to grunt, "Good."

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

Quick note, not much time today . . . White Power Jill invited me over this weekend to try her jailhouse wine. Get this, she told me she makes it in the potty. I asked her if she had any jailhouse vodka but she just punched me in the throat and told me to, “pipe down and get ready to toss my salad.” She’s so silly! They haven’t served anything green and leafy since I’ve gotten here. So much fun - more on Monday. :)

Musician Joke Friday

A guitarist walks by a bar . . .

Could have fooled me!

All the Kids are Right?

I just don't get what the kids are into these days.

Musician Joke Friday (Special Thursday Edition)

Okay, so, a refrigerator mechanic, a TV repairman and an investment banker are in an elevator...













TVic Sunday night at the High Dive

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

Today’s the day! I’ve been introduced into prison society . . . general population. It’s as fabulous as I’ve imagined it to be. My spirits are still high. I’ve been working on my dry skin and my overall messed uppedness. My parents stop by all the time. I don’t know what all the fuss is about – they come and go as they please – no wait, no worry. Jail is great. They told me that Rev. Al is NOT supportive of me or my situation . . . he’s got an entirely different agenda. Drat. Oh well. What has he done for me lately?

I’ve been running lines with the cockroach that lives behind the potty. He's stays in character pretty well . . . unless I turn the light on. When I get out I’ll be in top form and ready for the auditions. I can’t wait to talk to my agent.

Have I told you how helpful the girls are? They are soooo helpful. They help me in the shower, give me jail fashion tips, and tell me which of the inmates are sweeties and which ones are meanies. It’s almost as if I’ve increased my personal staff by hundreds. White Power Jill is especially attentive. She really has taken me under her wing . . . her big, man-ish wing. We’re the best of buds. She calls me her “little princess.” She makes me call her “daddy.” Fun stuff. This isn’t so bad.

It's Not Easy Being Green -or- I Don't Want My MTV

Check out the supra-kewl new intro to the locally-originated program, Video Vinyl, which will "re-launch" nation-wide on PBS this Fall!

(this is yet another "Chris Green" via Google Image Search)

[Editors' note: The show's host/producer/master-mind - and star of the blockbuster hit film "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart" - confirmed he is, in fact, Chris Green IX and Chris Green XV and not Chris Green VII (however, Mr. Green IX & XV also noted, "Actually, I was pretty drunk that one New Years Eve...")]

Hip-Hop on Pop...and Blues and Swing and Country and Folk and Rock and Celtic and....

The Kilborn Alley Blues Band is hosting an “all-genre jam” at the Iron Post on Sunday, June 16 from 1pm until 6pm and some of the area’s most huge, mega-popular music stars are planning on sitting in:

“If we are back from the Chiefs’ game in Peoria in time I am going to have my kids bring their recorders and sit in on the all-star, show-ending rendition of ‘Sweet Home Chicago’…” – Don Gerard (Huge, mega-popular music star)

[Editors' Note: The first time we saw Kilborn Alley perform years ago we initially scoffed at the youthful appearance of the band’s lead singer, however, it was not long before we would swear he came into this world by dropping out of the ass of some crusty, old Delta Blues singer…and we mean that with the utmost respect.]

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

Hey, there. Sorry it’s taken so long to post . . . it seems like days, even though they tell me it’s only been about 15 hours. I was staring at the New York Times . . . it’s one of several newspapers I enjoy . . . along with the Bible, of course. It seems that the Rev. Al Sharpton is meeting with people about my mistaken release. Wowee! It’s always good to have Rev. Al on your side. I don’t know what I’d do without the support of my family and friends. Maybe I’ll get out of here sooner than I thought . . . I can’t wait to get out of here and get back to my career . . . I mean, I’m learning from this valuable experience and welcome this new chance God has given me. I’m not the same person I was. I’ve been chatting through the bars with other inmates . . . nice gals . . . especially White Power Jill. Any day now I should be released into general population . . . can’t wait.

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories, Vol. 7.5

"For some reason the memory of a benefit concert we put together for Steve Shields' (aka "Steve Pride") family popped into my head this morning, but I could not remember who all performed.

Steve was walking home through West Side Park and was jumped by some kids who broke his jaw. Chris Knight helped us put together a show at the old Blind Pig and we raised, like, $500 (which, when you are poor and have a new baby, can really help get you through a week or two).

I know Mike Clayton did and I am sure Lynn Canfield sang...Maybe the guys from Braid? I would be shocked if Ed Burch did not do a song with Jay. A whole bunch of people played. If you remember this show please comment."

1999 Interview with Steve LINK

Historicism isn’t just a passing fancy for Pride, either. With its obvious hand in his work, from the bluesey tales of deceit to the darkly textured Southern Gothic tales peppering his album, Pride’s work is clearly guided by the hand of more traditional American music than rock’n’roll. It’s an influence Pride revels in, drawing on back-woods elements.



...In other news:

...for the 10th anniversary of the break-up of Moon Seven Times the band held a brief* reunion** at South Side Elementary School. Todd Fletcher (guitar on final tour) with Lynn Canfield and Don Gerard.


*(one song - and not even an M7x song)
**(sans the "real talent")

Whale has century-old injury

A 50-ton bowhead whale caught off the Alaskan coast last month had a weapon fragment embedded in its neck that showed it survived a similar hunt — more than a century ago. [Editor’s note: Holy Mackerel!]

Embedded deep under its blubber was a 3½-inch arrow-shaped projectile that has given researchers insight into the whale's age, estimated between 115 and 130 years old. It was probably shot at the whale from a heavy shoulder gun around 1890. [Editor’s note: Amazing!!]

The 49-foot male whale died when it was shot with a similar projectile last month. [Editor’s note: What?!]

Emo Joke Wednesday

How many Emo bands does it take to pave a driveway?

One if you spread it really thin.

One for the Money - Paris' Jailhouse Blog

Whew - where to start. I’m in for the long haul, people . . . and that’s not hot. Day 8 . . . 35 to go. How will I ever do it? It’s like having a life sentence. My nails are already gone from scratching off the days on my cinderblock cell walls. My eyes have been opened. I’m now spiritual. You know I have an issue with ADD and dry skin . . . and some other things I can’t remember, right? I’ve decided to take this time to heal myself and to learn proper math skills. How do people do it, Forty Five days is soooo long?! I've got to be strong. The ping pong is great, even if I have to play by myself right now. Hopefully, I’ll get released into general population soon and I can start making friends. Check back soon. I’ll post more when I can. Ta.

Brats Image Courtesy Google Image Search (tm)

It's official - CUMS.BS is the only source for accurate, fair/balanced news about the local music scene.

The Brat Pack (pictured l-r): Jesse Ventura,
Adam Schmitt, Lynn Cornfeld, Ira Stoner, Adam Schmidt.

I Scream, You Scream...

Head over to Meadowbrook Park in Urbana this Saturday, June 16 around 4pm for the totally awesome 2007 Strawberry Jam!

Event Details:

The Urbana Park District invites you to bring a blanket and enjoy live and local folk music and a picnic atmosphere. Take a guided walking tour through the prairie or a hay rack ride through the park. Plus, strawberries and ice cream while they last.

Free!
Music from Grass Roots Revival - 4:30pm
Backyard BBQ Band - 5:30pm
Exorna - 7:00pm.

...actual strawberries may vary from those pictured.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

How do you save a trombonist from drowning?

Take your foot off their head.

I Get Around

OpeningBands.com is proud to announce the acquisition of the new Local Music Scene Communal Vehicle! See this week's issue of the Buzz for details on how to sign up and get your career in motion!










The site had hoped to raise enough money to purchase a tour bus, however, it needed a nine of clubs to pull off the inside straight.

"I responded to his comment with my right hand.”

An Alabama state senator punched a fellow lawmaker in the head yesterday. Republican Sen. Charles Bishop claimed that Democratic Sen. Lowell Barron called him a "son of a (expletive)" in the Senate chamber. "I was raised in the woods of Arkansas and people don't say that about your mom," Bishop said.

Line item veto, right to the old noggin. Sine Die.

It was all a dream . . .

From International Entertainment Correspondent Sari Maw:

A sneak peek at the Soprano’s finale finds Tony waking up next to Susanne Pleshette, having dreamt everything that occurred since the series opener in 1999, and returning to his practice as a therapist in Chicago.

I hope that doesn’t ruin anything for anybody.

Musician Joke Fridays

What do you call a bassist with half a brain?

Gifted.

But I Already a-Gotta Pair a-Shooz!

Pending updated items to be sold from Don Gerard's cache of memories we present, in said items' stead, a collage of shoes for which Don Gerard cares very little:

You are welcome.

Emo Joke Wednesday - bonus round

What's the definition of an optimist?

An EMO singer with a mortgage.