Wednesday, February 28, 2007

How to Survive the Road - lesson #17

Many years ago the ever-wise Don Gerard opened my eyes to the world of cigarette loads (AKA cigarette bombs). Yes, kiddies, especially you in touring bands, cigarette loads offer an entertaining and exciting way to pass the time while on "the road."

Here's your handy dandy tutorial, as dictated by Mr. Gerard:

1.Collect/save empty cigarette packs;
2.Buy a pack of cigarettes (inexpensive, no major investment needed);
3.Buy a pack of cigarette loads (any novelty shop should do);
4.Empty new pack of cigarettes;
5.Meticulously place one load in the lighting end of a cigarette (a toothpick is required to properly work the load far enough up so it doesn't explode upon lighting and will ensure a proper shredding once the load does explode);
6.Place 1 or 2 loaded cigarettes in each of the empty packs you've collected/saved; and
7.Shortly before your set, casually walk around the club and leave the loaded packs on tables, chairs and the bar. . . anywhere the unsuspecting may find them.

Then, go about your business, engage in your regular pre-show ritual and wait for the fun to start. Show goers are notorious for scavenging - lost change, guitar picks, AND, most importantly, free cigarettes. Finding a pack with 1 or 2 cigarettes remaining is tantamount to winning the lottery (depending on the time of night and how much alcohol has been consumed). If timed correctly, you'll be able to see the punchline delivered while you're playing your set, as yellowish/orange flashes pop throughout the crowd. Regardless, the activity surrounding an exploding cigarette will tip you off that success is yours. Enjoy the moment.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Guess Who?

Click here . . . scroll down . . . that's it . . . look to the right . . . AHA!

Who says there's no life after the Rock?!



UPDATE...

(that guy is EVERYWHERE!)

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? Vol. 4










Thurs. March 1 --
Mad Science Fair will perform at the Uptown Bar in Minneapolis.
-
In the late 80's Minneapolis was a home-away-from-home for the Bowery Boys (Lars Gustafsson, LeRoy Bach, Eric Jacobsson & myself). We would always stay at the home of Lori Barbero & Phil Harder and hang out Chris (aka J Christopher) from Rifle Sport.
We played Seventh Street Entry a few times, but playing the Uptown was the best.
Everybody hung out there from Grant Hart (nodding off in the corner) to Paul Westerberg ("You guys are playing here? Aw, shit.") and it was no big deal to see members of the Jayhawks jamming with Dave Pirner. One time the drummer from one of the opening bands, Michael Bland, borrowed my drum throne. Bob and Tommy's mom was a bartender and Lori worked in the kitchen for a while. One time our van broke down on the road and we showed up 10 minutes before we were supposed to start (much to the chagrin of Run Westy Run who had their cool ambulance-turned-tour-bus backed up and ready to unload).


The best part about playing there (besides the fact it was always packed and you actually got paid) was bands would bet a free meal which we would always cash in as breakfast the next day.

The Bowery Boys released one album (on cassette tape, no less) and probably sold more T-Shirts than copies of the six-song "George Jones vs. Godzilla", but those stops in Minneapolis garnered more rock and roll moments than most bands get in an entire career.





Saturday, February 24, 2007

The sh#t hits the fans . . .

Paul Westerberg's signature guitar is now on clearance at Toys R Us for $119.98.


Friday, February 23, 2007

Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Orange Whip?


Go check out the musical duo of Holly & Jane (aka Triple Whip) at the Cowboy Monkey Saturday night!


the feed 10:20
ad astra per aspera 11:10
new ruins 12:10
terminus victor 1:10

...only five bucks!

Egads - Don't mess with Grandpa

SAN JOSE, COSTA RICA:
Elderly citizens on tour kill potential mugger

A tour group of U.S. elderly citizens fought off a group of muggers in Costa Rica, killing one of the assailants, police said Thursday. The tourists' bus was held up by three men armed with a gun and knife in the Caribbean coastal town of Limon after the group arrived on a cruise ship Wednesday, said Limon police chief Luis Hernandez. Hernandez said a retired U.S. serviceman whom officials estimated was in his 70s put one of the attackers in a headlock and broke his clavicle. After the other two assailants fled, the tourists drove the injured man to the local Red Cross branch, where he was declared dead. Authorities said they did not plan to file charges against the tourists.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Could it be he was better than we thought?

The music world is in shock as the Van Halen reunion tour is put on hold indefinitely. As of press time, no reason has been offered. However, industry rumors indicate that just maybe Michael Anthony's bass lines were a little too much for young master Wolfgang to handle.

Poker Later!


Apparently Murph was able to mop up the mess a broken pipe caused at Mike & Molly's and the shows will go on beginning Saturday night!

"We are uncancelling the show on Saturday. Lymbic System, Pulsar 47, Hipno Music Corps, and Relay. is back on.
But the flyers got wet and came down, or got tossed. Could y'all drop by a few."

We Know You Have Sand, Illinois!



What about the Aquachief?













(Please note we avoided the obvious "boners" gag here which, one must admit, is hardly befitting such a highbrow blogspot such as CUMS.bs)

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

From the “Why” Files . . .

The Jam to reform without Weller

Bassist Bruce Foxton and drummer Rick Buckler have not toured together in 25 years but will play a 20-date tour starting in May.

Paul Weller (founder, original lead singer and primary songwriter) has been invited to join the tour but has not yet commented. However, in a Nov. 2005 interview, Weller did say a Jam reunion would “never happen,” as it’d be based completely on nostalgia and would be a “sad cabaret act.”

Rick Buckler pleaded: "Paul Weller has a fantastic solo career and is one of the UK's most talented songwriters. Paul is always welcome to join us for the reunion." Buckler is overjoyed at the prospects of reuniting with Foxton and, in preparation has been playing for the last few years with a Jam tribute band called The Gift. An album is planned for an autumn release.

Crowded House Reforms . . . 4-year-old to drum!

Singer/guitarist Neil Finn and bass player Nick Seymour have reformed Crowded House with plans for a world tour. Industry rumors persist that a 4-year-old American prodigy, known only as “Barrel 2”, will sit on the throne.

"At the moment, they're just working at getting the band together," said Julia Connolly, a spokeswoman for Finn’s office. "Something's formally coming out once the band is in place” . . . and the new drummer has taken his nap.

Crowded House, headed by New Zealand-born Finn, formed in Melbourne, Australia, in 1986, following the break-up of Split Enz. In November 1996, the band performed in front of 120,000 people outside Sydney Opera House for their farewell concert. Since then Finn embarked on a solo career, and worked with his brother Tim, who was also a member of Split Enz and Crowded House (for a short time). Seymour currently works as a music producer, while original drummer Paul Hester, better known as “Paul the Cook” on early episodes of The Wiggles, became an entertainment personality in Australia before taking his own life at the age of 46 in 2005.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Won't someone buy Dan Fogelberg's memories?

Mountain Bird Ranch stretches across a seemingly endless expanse of 610 acres in the high country just outside of Pagosa Springs, CO, close to the acclaimed Wolf Creek Ski Area. This unique property provides the best of all worlds, with two residences, complete equestrian facilities, beautiful lakes and ponds, inspiring views, and unspoiled wilderness. It is an ideal setting for enjoying limitless recreational possibilities, nature’s majesty, and the blissful peace of mountain solitude. The spacious three-level floor plan provides four bedrooms, including two master suites, and five baths and opens onto numerous porches and decks—ideal for taking in the splendid mountain scenery. Other features of the residence include a greenhouse with a waterfall and pond, a music room and library, a fully equipped professional recording studio—where Dan Fogelberg wrote and recorded many of his well-known songs, a media room with a large-screen television, a game room with an antique pool table, a gym, a sauna, an office, a custom kitchen with a breakfast nook, and a wine cellar. A separate studio apartment is located above the heated three-car garage. Amenities include satellite television and a built-in sound system. A hot tub, a stone barbecue, and a gazebo augment the outdoor living areas. The separate guest or manager’s residence provides a total of six bedrooms and four and one-half baths in two private, self-contained living quarters—both of which have woodburning stoves, fully equipped kitchens, greenhouses, and heated garages.

$17,500,000

Only a three car garage - what's up with that?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Tao of Dan


“And his song is in my soul,” from “Leader of the Band” (1981)

Join us as we celebrate the genius more commonly known as Daniel Grayling Fogelberg. The Peoria, IL native actually was discovered by famous music industry manager Irving Azoff (REO Speedwagon, Van Halen, Journey, The Eagles, etc.) during his college years at the University of Illinois.

A fan site says it all:

“. . . is dedicated to Dan Fogelberg and his artistry in song... ...a place to meet and talk of our love of the music, of the lyrics, of the way his hands seem to effortlessly and delicately become one with the instrument and of his voice... ...that of a herald angel. Dan Fogelberg creates a sound that takes you to your beginnings and beyond, takes you to a place of timelessness, mystery and wonderment... ...a place where dreams become reality if only for the span of that particular song... ...but... ...those few moments are a gift from beyond our memories... ...and once again we are in the heavens... ...if only for the moment. No other singer/songwriter in the world can paint an image in words as eloquently as Dan Fogelberg.”

Mystery Machine












Perhaps it is just us, but does anybody ever really "get" who the hell Terminus Victor is supposed to be at the Great Cover-Up?*




*...sorry, but the C-U version - the original - does not have a site on the internets.

Sufjan Stevens Working On New Album!

Some Are Teeth and Some Aren't

Thursdays Are Her Days


DJ Hellcat at Mike & Molly's...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Stay little valentine, stay

A new album, a first since 1991’s Loveless, from the Irish-British noise pop quartet?

Yes, according to guitarist/singer/songwriter Kevin Shields in the Jan./Feb. issue of Magnet:

“A lot of people say the reason My Bloody Valentine didn't make another record is because we couldn't. That's mostly true, but not because we couldn't make another record, but because I never could be bothered to make another record unless I was really excited by it. And just by fate or whatever, that never happened. I'm quite optimistic about the future, even though experience has taught me that I'm probably just delusional. I do feel that I will make another great record. We are 100 percent going to make another My Bloody Valentine record unless we die or something. I'd feel really bad if I didn't make another record. Like, ‘Sh*t, people only got the first two chapters, but the last bit is the best bit.’ It's just that it's taken me such an oddly long time for that to happen. How long will that take to transpire into an actual physical record? I don't know.”

Happy V-Day, indeed.

Great Titles in Literature

Ok, Ok . . . these are pretty good too -

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Great Titles in Literature


Except, maybe this . . .

Great Titles in Literature

You can't get much better than this . . .






Exploit Rock City

Paul Stanley, Starchild, is following in the footsteps of Paul Westerberg (which is ironic as Westerberg w/The Replacements paid homage to KISS by covering Black Diamond) by lending his name and likeness to a "cheapy" guitar line. Available exclusively at Target, the axe was designed by Stanley, comes in a collectible cardboard case and includes guitar picks! Always the showman, a limited number have actually been autographed by Stanley. Keep your eyes open, C-U – rumor has it Hobby Lobby will begin offering the Seth Fein Guitar Pack Limited in the spring. Whopee.

For What It Is Wirth



Hey, I like Paul Wirth just fine, but the dude ain't putting no food in my family's mouth, so hell-to-the-no if I am going to plug his damn Mardi Gras weekend kickoff this Friday, Feb. 16 from 9pm until midnight at the Iron Post.

Is he going to bring me a bowl of the red beans & rice, jambalaya or gumbo he will be serving up? Big bowl of not dick is what I expect.

Dennis Stroghmatt, my ass.


I ain't gonna plug it. No way.







[...although, since it is smoke-free I might drop by with my kids for some spicy food and hot tunes... But that don't mean I'm suggesting YOU should do it...]







Monday, February 12, 2007

Won't someone buy Dan Fogelberg's memories?

Gretsch White Penguin, late 1957, VG, original stereo wiring with patent applied for Filtertron stereo pickups, "thumbprint" fingerboard inlay, replacement tune-o-matic bridge, replacement Bigsby, replacement tuners, previously owned and extensively used by Dan Fogelberg, 2 autographed photos of Fogelberg with this guitar (with these tuners, bridge, and tailpiece) and letter from Fogelberg, HC......$80,000.

Are our children ever really safe?

Covert Action

Ralph Covert, late of Chicago's Bad Examples, has struck out on his own, creating Ralph's World, "the musical place where little guys and gals and their folks can rock rock rock and sing sing sing along without overdosing on sucrose."

[editor's note: if you see this man in your neighborhood contact local authorities immediately]

[Note: Terminus Victor/Greedy Loves drummer Terry Wathen (ex-Bad Examples) occassionally plays with Ralph]

[Note also: Photo by Urbana-native (and spawn of Silvercreek/Courier owner Allen Strong) Chris Strong]

It's A Fein Day To Donate




Hey, if a Joe who has to eke out his bread from the music biz can manage to drop a dime then YOU can scroung a fin.
(...next year my goal is to get the Sniffer to JOIN our plunge team.) Including checks I am halfway to the goal of a grand.

C'mon, folks! Bring it home!

Send checks to:
Don Gerard
1403 W. Green Street
Champaign, IL 61821

(...and thanks ever so much to whomever signed me up for the gay porn catalogs. Always hysterical when the kids bring in the mail!)




Sunday, February 11, 2007

Patriotism Swells In The Heart of the American Wash-Up, Would-Be-Famous, Has-Been Rock Band Guys

The Greedy Loves perform the National Anthem at the Illini Hockey Game Saturday Night at the University of Illinois Ice Arena.



...a film by Will Gerard.

Mike Ingram For A Horse!


CUMS.BS.com has hit a historical milestone by adding its fourth reader, Buzz music journalist (sic) Mike Ingram!

it's just that i leave all of this space open every week hoping there's some don gerard music news to report, and then when nothing comes up, again, i'm left to type up so much nonsense. seriously, could you do something so people can stop reading about wendy's?


hugs.

-mikey

On behalf of Illinois Special Olympics I want to thank Mr. Ingram for his contribution and...

Oh, my mistake. Mr. Ingram has not, in fact, yet pledge monitary or other support to this fine and worthy cause.

CUMS.BS.com regrets the error.

To be fair, however, we here at CUMS.BS.com understand the "McRib Farewell Tour" has left many with scant
cash reserves.




However...

CUMS.BS.com is delighted Mr. Ingram has devoted time from his busy schedule to favor us with a clever, witty, insightful and intelligent comment...

Um, actually...Uh...After Mr. Ingram's comment again it seems he is somehow attempting to chide an individual who possesses a 23-year-musical resume, playing in some of the area's most successful bands and alongside some of the world's most-talented individuals (and without ever actually having learned to play a musical instrument), of not contributing to the local "scene" (sic). Therefore, he has as an excuse for his inability to compose a full 600-words about the weekly musical goings-on in the area.

Gee...That seems like kind of a slap in the face to actual musicians who are passed over, no?

Yeesh.

Hmmm...


Okay...Let's see...

CUMS.BS.com acknowledges Mike Ingram typed something.

...Rats...The Illini Media company does that on a weekly basis.

Sorry.

We got nothing.



Saturday, February 10, 2007

Come on, you've got to be kidding . . .

All the kids are right?!

Rumors regarding a Local H lawsuit persist. It seems some high-fivin' mother-f#$%^r is considering suing the Chicago (by way of Zion, IL) duo for "rocking too hard." Known for their heavy riffs and 1996 single "Bound for the Floor" (commonly referred to as the "copacetic" song), the H are still around and, apparantly, rockin' pretty hard. So hard, in fact, that an audience member couldn't handle the sheer force of the live set and may take action. Rocktastic!

Friday, February 9, 2007

No, Really, I'm Begging You...

Come on, slackers...If the Noiseboy can afford to kick in (a full $1.66 more than the suggested donation, no less) so can YOU.

CLICK HERE

(...and don't think we won't start in on the people who snubbed us, either...)





Related Posts -
Welcome to CUMS.BS

Won't Someone Buy...? Number 2

Love My Gay (Actual Email Missive From Dr. Ryan "The Viper" Jerving!)

Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:04:34 -0500
(Name Witheld),

I sent off your CD the other day, so you should get it soon.

And though I love the George Washington University staff photo you used for the gay viper post to C-U Music Schmusic (and by the way, I believe the YIVO-approved spelling of that would be "Shmusic," if you're going for the Yiddish rather than the German shtick), if you ever need some other, gayer pictures of me, I am currently hiding them on one of my university accounts. These are horribly outsized, but they'll do for now:















By the way, Donnie Davies has not yet responded to me, nor has he added The Viper to the gay list at http://lovegodsway.org/GayBands

This means that Bright Eyes and Corinne Bailey Rae are gaining a quite unfair advantage over The Viper as we speak.

Yes, We Have No Mozzoccos


Alleged C-UM-S.BS.com contributing editor Liz Mozzocco measures the importance of potassium-rich foods in one's diet.

Great Buildings of America


Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall
Athens, GA


On the campus of the University of Georgia (UGA) sits the impressive Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall. Named after two of Georgia's most famous football coaches, Wallace Butts and Harry Mehre, the correct pronunciation of the name is, indeed, “Butt Smear.”

The hall serves as a monument to the achievements of UGA sports teams and pays tribute to over 100 years of Georgia's athletic programs, while featuring football highlights on touch-screen video displays and an exhibit of Heisman trophies.

. . . and that!

I Just Wasn't Made For These Times -


The recent traditional Christmas Nativity play at St. Stephen's church in Tonbridge, England, centered on music from the Beach Boys, with Mary turning into a "surfer girl" to sing "God Only Knows" and the Three Wise Men portrayed as Brian, Carl and Dennis Wilson performing such favorites as "Fun Fun Fun" and "Good Vibrations" (according to a December Agence France-Presse report). Said the pastor, "(N)ativity plays ... can just be a bit dull. (This) made it more realistic." [Agence France-Presse, 12-22-06]

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Take that, music!

Escaped chimp gets snack, cleans bathroom

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped yesterday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.

Support Local Music

We here at CUMS.bs.com feel a bit remiss at our lack of local music coverage. However, seeing as how we hate music, the best we can do is steal from the experts who write columns dedicated to local music:

From The Buzz

Wendy's update: So, there are actually two Wendy's still open in Danville. I can't believe they've been there this whole time, just waiting for me and my need for a spicy chicken fix. And the best part? They still serve Pepsi products. That's right, folks - while our local Wendy's were all giving up the good fight and switching to Coke, Danville stood strong and kept the possible Mountain Dew/Chicken Nugget combination alive. I'll be in California when this issue hits stands (likely eating at In and Out), but when I get back, I'm heading for Vermilion County.

Where are they now . . .


And Justice For All – part 1 of 3

Rob Arrol has gone underground . . . which, ironically, is not too far from where he started as bass player in C-U’s dick justice. These days he shuns most inquiries about the band and busies himself by puttering around his house and listening to talk radio . . . and, occasionally, chasing neighborhood children out of his yard with a hose.

Not much is known about Arrol and maybe that’s by design. Essentially invisible throughout his tenure within the band, due, in most part, to the bombastic escapades of mates Jim Kamp and Galen Gondolfi, it has been told that Arrol always delighted when he’d acknowledge his dj membership to an established fan and received a response of “You?”

He surfaced in 2004 in an Austrian online fanzine (of all places – no longer posted) praising the local music scene and acknowledging the influence C-U has played in his life. He would later admit that he was on a bender at the time and had no recollection of ever penning the monologue.

When asked about a dick justice reunion, something that has been rumored for several years, Arrol replied, “What?”

Sometimes We Talk About Sports Because, Well, You Know...Music Sucks


Sufjan Was A Hero To Most, But He Never Meant Sh*t To Me...


IT'S MUTHA F*CKIN' KLEZMER, YO!

Veretski Pass, a trio that performs traditional Eastern
European Jewish music, will be giving two free public performances in Champaign-Urbana on February 19th and 20th.

On Feb. 19, the band will be giving a workshop on klezmer music called "Ask Drs. Klez" at 4:00 in the Spurlock Museum auditorium. Expect lots of interaction with the audience!

On Feb. 20 at 7:30 p.m., they'll perform a concert at Smith Music Hall on the University of Illinois quad. Further information about their visit can be found HERE

A quote from the review of their CD in Rootsworld: "(Cookie) Segelstein's violin is at the center of this whirlwind, and it's a clean, muscular sound. She digs assertively into the strings, leaping and trilling without fear. Not to be outdone, Joshua Horowitz is equally at home on button accordion and tsimbl, matching Segelstein stroke for stroke. Stuart Brotman's bass buzzes and chugs underneath it all, adding just enough weight to keep things from flying off into the stratosphere. Individually, the musicians have impressive resumes; together they are a force to be reckoned with."

Where are they now . . .


. . . apparently Billy Squier never returned her calls.

C-U’s Allison Krauss is attempting to resurrect the career of forgettable English rocker John Waite (The Babys and Bad Animals). Krauss and Waite appear together on his latest solo album revisiting his 1984 hit “Missing You” The gem is being promoted heavily through video support on the CMT channel. The newly shorn Waite has appeared with the benevolent Krauss recently on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and other late night television programs.

I Own A Dog



A researcher writing in the January/February issue of Australasian Science magazine reported that the Toxoplasma gondii parasite, carried by many cats, not only can harm pregnant women (as was previously known) but also can lower the IQ of men and make women more promiscuous.


[United Press International, 1-2-07] [Australian Associated Press, 12-26-06]

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? Number 3























My dog ate that hat.


The Moon Seven Times (w/ Todd Fletcher)

a little more Soupy Sales, please.


While one will never hear his songs on WPGU and the Chambana Music Mafia undoubtedly is blissfully unaware of his existence, Todd Fletcher is hands down one of the greatest local music success stories in recent memory.

Using the moniker June & the Exit Wounds Fletcher recorded his magnum opus, "...a little more Haven Hamilton, please" (Parasol 026) which would go on to sell nearly 15,000 copies domestically (not counting the 12" vinyl with bonus 7" or special Japanese editions).

His follow-up EP, "Color Harmony Jewels" (released only in Japan) pre-sold out its 2,500 limited edition.

Save a few local shows and a whirlwind press tour in Japan the press-shy Fletcher rarely promoted himself and instead focused on his music.

Fletcher continues to compose and record, but only for himself and a few lucky friends and his sophomore LP remains but a dream for legions of fans around the world. While maintaining a low-key existence far from the public eye, Fletcher did recently release the following statement:

Just want to mark this exciting occasion:

Tonight, at approximately 11:20PM, Feb 5, 2007, I surpassed Andy Rosa's Donkey Kong score of 152,000 points with a new personal best of 164,300 making me the unofficial 23rd best Donkey Kong player on Earth!

To Andy, and many others who have played this great game over the past 25 years, I would like to say:

suck it.

The Official Scoreboard

The laser light show that accompanied the record-shattering unofficial performance

The soundtrack: Disco to Get Drunk To Part 2


BONUS: If I can get my score up over a mil maybe I can get in this movie

I could not have done this without you - the fans!
peace!
Todd F