Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? Vol. 1, Number Six

...thanks Cynthia & Ernie!

Bearly Legal

Pandas Shown Porn to Stimulate Sex for Reproduction

After Thailand's most popular animal couple failed to mate, zoo officials are gearing up for plan B -- a DVD they hope will get Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui in the mood for love, CNN's Narunart Prapanya reported.

The pandas' first mating season -- a three-day window -- came last week. Despite a widely-publicized encounter between Chuang Chuang, a 6-year-old male, and 5-year-old Lin Hui, the mating apparently was unsuccessful.

Zoo administrator Prasertsak Puttrakul, who leads a team taking care of the pandas, noted they tend to live in isolation in the wild, and do not witness other pandas mating. "That's why they are bound to extinction should there be no help," he said.

Joe Francis could not be reached for comment.

Happy Birthday . . . Mr. Spaceman

Musician Joke Friday

Q: How many opening bands does it take to make a perfect show?

A: None – they’re opening bands. They’re lucky to be on the bill.

He did the mash . . .

Bobby "Boris" Pickett
1938-2007

Three Feet High And Rising

Bob Rising (Poster Children, Seam, SP&HBK, Repulse Kava, Hardvark) walks into the men's room at the Cabaret Metro and shouts to a crowded row of guys at the urinals:


Hey!
I heard this is where all the dicks hang out!"

My Name is 905

According to Pete Townshend, the next album by The Who will consist of music made by computers . . . a concept originally developed in 1971. "When I first had this idea John Entwistle and Keith Moon were still alive and in the band,” Townshend said. “They were very dismissive of it.” [One of the greatest rhythm sections in the history of rock opposed to man made technology? Imagine that – ed.]


The guitarist has created a computer system called 'The Method', with technical help from a mathematician and software engineer. The Method allows users to make unique pieces of music by inputting personal information, sounds and a rhythm. Users 'sit' for the software in the same way a person would pose for a portrait painting.

According to inside sources the working title for the album is, “Bee Boop.”

At press time it could not be confirmed whether or not Gary Lee Nelson would be involved with the project.

Roger Daltry, suited up and ready to record

Tales from the record store . . .

Record Service, 1993 -

Clerk 1: "I'm heading to LSB to get some grub."

Clerk 2: "I'd wait a bit ... Bob's (Rising) on the loose."

Clerk 1: "What?"

Clerk 2: "I heard he threw a tomato from the prep line at a bald customer... hit the guy square on the noggin. He tried to blame it on Roy... the guy's not happy... kinda crazy over there."

Clerk 1 (unphased): "Oh ...ok."

Grill Some VerteBrats At Your Tailgate!

Whoo-HOO! Matt Brandabur is gonna be kickin' it in C-U this Fall!

Emo Joke Wednesday

How many emo kids does it take to fix a light bulb?

One to fix it, and thousands to write songs about how the shattered peices reflect their broken lives.

My Peeps!

Finally, a group big enough to support our entire staff!

www.LPSG.org

"Is This The Beginning of the End?"

Edwards promotes Haggard while Haggard promotes Clinton

The Associated PressCHAPEL HILL, N.C.: Two months after Merle Haggard unveiled a song to promote Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton, rival candidate John Edwards is peddling a CD featuring a Haggard tune. Donors who contribute $50 or more to Edwards' presidential campaign will receive an advance copy of "Moneyland," a collection of songs about the plight of rural America which includes a a duet with Haggard and Marty Stuart.


Donors who contribute less than $50 get a copy of Edward’s new book, “It Takes a Municipality.”

Cranberries reunion possible, singer says

Dolores O'Riordan of The Cranberries says a reunion of the Irish band is possible, although for now she's enjoying her solo work.

The 35-year-old singer was in Hong Kong on Tuesday to promote her new album, Are You Listening?

Asked if The Cranberries, whose last studio album was released in 2001, will work together again, O'Riordan said: "Maybe in the future."

In related news . . . according to credible sources, yet noted by few, The Cranberries actually broke up in 2001 following the release of their last studio album.

To Do List: #1 - Buy Soap-On-A-Rope

PANAMA CITY, Fla. -- Blowing his nose and wiping away tears, the multimillionaire founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video empire pleaded guilty to contempt of court Monday and was sentenced to 35 days in jail.

CLICK HERE to enter our "How Many Times Will A Photo Still From One Of His Videos Get Taped To The Back Of His Head" Pool...

Slow day . . . time for ACTION CATS!

The Tao of Dan – part deux

Join us as we once again celebrate the genius more commonly known as Daniel Grayling Fogelberg. The following are actual quotes from our “Dan” . . . as the late, great John Entwistle penned (The Quiet One), “Still waters run deep, so be careful I don’t drown you.”:

“Coming out of college with a degree in fine arts and painting isn't worth much any more.”

“Getting the best response from people is how I base my success.”

“I choose to express myself.”

“I don't really pay enough attention to what other people are doing.”

“I love the subtlety and tonal range of the acoustic guitar.”

“I love to laugh, it's my main thing. I love to abuse the English language.”

“I wish I had more time to sit down and be a little bit more normal.”

“MTV didn't call. I guess I wasn't hip and groovy enough.”

“Strats are my favorite electric guitars, and I've got quite a collection.”

You've Got POO On Your Upper Lip

"Enough war-mongering against the noble, progressive beard! The Pi Omega Omega mustache contest is thoroughly jingoistic and imperialist. The fully hirsute are forced outside the gates, ghettoized, made into second-class citizens, kept from rising to their full potential.

We need placard makers, boycott artists, freedom fighters, and a cocktail wait to help us overthrough the Mustache Hegemony.

Ten years of slavery to the upper lip is enough.

Sign up now!"

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? Volume 1, Number 5

Inscription: "Derek - Clean up this mess"

Father of the Year

"You are a rude, thoughtless little pig. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.”

-Alec Baldwin in a message recently left on the voicemail of 11-year-old daughter Ireland.

A spokesperson later explained the situation as a gross misunderstanding, stating that Baldwin misdialed and thought he was calling a business acquaintance.

Musician Joke Friday – special Riddle edition

Riddle: On a recent tour, two opening bands debate who should sound check first. The first band has been around longer. Yet, the second band has a stronger pull in the area. Who gets to sound check first?

Answer: Neither. What are you thinking? Opening bands don’t get to sound check. They’re lucky to be on the bill.

It was 20 years ago today . . .

April 19, 1987 . . . "Now, go home."

Phair Ball

April 17 - Happy Birthday Liz Phair!

(age 14)

...and other very important people who turned 10-years-old today.

Ho Down

RIP Don Ho

Exercise Your Right

KISS, But No Make-Up

RIP Mark St. John.

Drug-resistant gonorrhea spreading rapidly, CDC says

Did I hear someone say the Stooges were touring?

Sure, it’s fun . . . until someone herniates a disk

Lil Jon with award winning necklace, recently certified by the Guinness Book of World Records as being the largest diamond pendant ever.






Specs:
· 7.5 inches tall
· 6 inches wide
· 12 pounds
· 73 carats
· 3,756 round-cut white diamonds
· 18K yellow and white gold
· valued at $500,000.

In the April 19, 2007 issue of Rolling Stone (Issue 1024), R&B hitmaker Akon claims to having a “piece made that will tear the game up.” The pendant will be in the shape of Africa with a little light behind Senegal that constantly flashes. Akon claims the pendant will cover his whole stomach and will weigh 15 pounds.

I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this!

Don Imus, on 4/12/07 after being fired by CBS, muttering to himself and wondering if he still has “Kramer’s” phone number.

“I am not a bum, I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends and... uh... my thermos. I haven't hit bottom yet! I got a ways to go. And I'm going to bounce back, and when I do, I'm going to buy a diamond so big it's going to make you puke!”

I'm a fake cowboy . . .

Ok, Ok . . . at least I still have the comfort of my family and my ranch, right?

What's New, Pussycat?

What do CUMS.bs and Jazz legend Charles Mingus have in common?


Yep.

KITTY CATS.

God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater . . .

"All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber."

Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse V
(1922 - 2007)

Tales from the record store . . .

Record Service, 1994, on release date of rap artist Master-P’s “The Ghetto’s Tryin’ to Kill Me” (following a series of cassette singles):

Teenage Customer (talking incredibly fast): “Do you have Master-P, whole tape?”

Clerk: “What?”

Teenage Customer (even faster): “Master-P, whole tape! Do you have it?”

Clerk: “Master P-hole?”

Teenage Customer (now surrounded by friends and speaking deliberately): “DO . . . YOU . . . HAVE . . . MASTER-P . . . WHOLE TAPE?”

Clerk: “Master P-hole? I've never heard of Master P-hole. There’s nothing in the computer for him – cassette or CD.”

The frustrated teenage customer leaves without the cassette version of the full length.

Takin' some time . . . see you in two weeks

Well, I guess not . . . at least I still have my radio show, right?

The Schmitt Hits The Fans

Image of Adam Schmitt appears on local youngster's knee:














(...well, actually, he drew it himself, but still...)

Quit Riding Your Damn Mini-Bikes Across My Lawn, You Rotten Little Bastards!

Our intrepid "I Exist If Only To Point Out How Old You Really Are" Correspondent, Tashi Mashi, filed this report:

"I heard Ambulette were playing here the same night as the Man Man show. I'm pretty stoked about Man Man but check this sh*t: Maura Davis isn't playing the Ambulette show-- Ryan Rhapsys is playing as Euphone! Holy f*ck I'm excited! Now I have to figure out how to make it to both shows. Hopefully Euphone plays early. Ahhhhhhh!"




(we will now return to listening to our Dickies and Descendants records and bitching about Green Day's popularity)

Takin' some time . . . see you in two weeks

Sorry, Ma . . .

Biologists at Germany's University of Jena announced in January that they were terminating a research project on animal movements after three years because they were tired of waiting for a sloth named Mats to leave his perch. [Boston Globe-AP, 1-24-07]

[Editor’s Note: Researchers have funneled remaining grant money into a new study tracking the progress and release of GnR’s “Chinese Democracy”]

Are All Guys Named "Don" Big Jerkholes?

Ha.
Ha.

Stop it.
You're killing me.

...you cadaver-esque, cracker-ass peckerwood.

The Black Beatles

Musician Joke Friday Leftover

How many record producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know...what do you think?

C4A

Our Local Music Events Not Involving Mike Ingram Correspondent, Robert Krumm, filed this report:

"The Champaign County Community Center for the Arts (C4A) is the brainchild of local musician and music educator Robin Kearton. The C4A music school has been established with offices and studio space at Lincoln Square (second floor) in downtown Urbana. Right now, C4A offers instruction in violin/fiddle, viola, cello, guitar, upright bass, bass guitar, banjo and button accordion. In the future, the music instruction program will be expanded and an arts program will be established as well.

We're going to have an Open House next Saturday (April 14 from 10am until 4pm) at Lincoln Square. There will be music rolling all day..."

Automatic for the People . . .

Mike Mills, fresh off REM’s induction into the Rock n’Roll Hall of Fame, takes job at Romano’s Macaroni Grill for “spending money.” I like to have a little jingle in my pocket that’s all my own, Mills was overheard telling star-struck diners.