Let's get one thing straight . . . I did NOT snort Leona Helmsley. And I won't snort her little dog either. Come on, folks - give me credit. I'm a man of wealth and taste. One look at her in life and I could tell she was rancid.
Details on billionaire Leona Helmsley’s will became public recently: $12 million to her dog Trouble and nothing to several close family members! Oof. Her estate has been valued at between $4 billion and $8 billion, the bulk of which she left to her charitable trust. Two of Helmsley's grandchildren and all of her 12 great grandchildren got zilch -- "for reasons which are known to them," Helsmley wrote in her will. Trouble is "infamous for having luxurious taste" and a nasty temper, according to the New York Post. The dog will only eat gourmet foods and refuses to dine from a bowl, insisting on being handfed. Lovely animal. If there's any justice in the world, eight-year-old Trouble will enjoy his twilight years being cared for at a spa lovingly known as “Le Mill.” Helmsley also provided for Trouble in death . . . his remains are to be interred in the family0 Mausoleum.
Your views of Attack of the Show's webpage will encourage our children to believe that there is a future outside of Asia. A future with maps. And such. South Africa.
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
Hilly Kristal
How is an EMO band different from a sewer rat?
International correspondent Sari Maw filed the following:
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
Fresh from the living room sandbox, further insight into the forthcoming June & the Exit Wounds album has been made public. “Jolly (Ha Ha) Rancher” is a departure for June mastermind Todd Fletcher, evoking the electronic funk and dance music of the early 1980’s . . . complete with a processed vocal treatment ala Cameo. On the surface, the Opus transports the listener back to the often missed charity candy-selling days of high school. However, the underlying sexual tension between the narrator and his fundraising subject may be too much for some. Caramello, indeed.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Russian President Vladimer Putin, herein known as “Vlad tha Bad”, surprised many by taking off his shirt during his vacation in the Siberian Mountains. He then quietly commented to an aide (with a wink), “Show me round your snow peaked mountain way down south. Take me to your daddy’s farm.”
What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond?
Barry Bonds’ record breaking home run ball is going to auction. Fan Matt Murphy will sell it online because he can’t afford to keep it. The Federal Government began taxing him on the expensive souvenir as soon as he took possession. I'ts perceived by the government as income. "I don't have the bank account," Murphy said. "It would have cost me a lot more to keep it." Sotheby's/SCP Auctions will handle the sale and estimate the ball will bring at least $500,000. The ball from Bonds' 755th home run hit Aug. 4 in San Diego also will be for sale. The same company sold the balls from Bonds' 700th homer and No. 715 that passed Babe Ruth for second place last season. Bond has laid no claim to his balls.
The King of Kong, a documentary on the cut throat world known as competition Donkey Kong, was released recently. However, the directors are already thinking about a dramatization of the documentary. The outline is approved and the film is eight weeks out from a first draft. Johnny Depp, Ed Norton, Greg Kinnear and Nathan Fillion are being discussed as possible leads. Insiders say Topher Grace is days away from signing on to play the unofficial 23rd best Donkey Kong Player in the World.
An unidentified Chinese couple has named their newborn “@.” The symbol pronounced in English as “at” sounds like the Chinese phrase “love him.” Written Chinese is comprised of characters and “@” is not currently one that is supported. It is not yet known whether the police, the arbiters of names because they issue identity cards, has accepted baby @. However, it is known that the child will surely get his @ss kicked when he gets to high school.
...you can do with out those last two beers and that pack of cancer sticks...send the dough you save by abstaining her way...
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy . . . 20 years after the original’s release, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander have signed on to reprise their roles in “Lost Boys 2: The Tribe”. Filming begins August 20. P.J. Pesce, the visionary that brought us “From Duck Till Dawn 3”, will direct.
Max Roach
Just in from International Correspondent Sari Maw:
How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
Jessica Price can’t win. Price is the senior zookeeper at an animal sanctuary 30 miles north of Fort Wayne, IN. It all started when a chimpanzee threw feces at a construction worker at the zoo. It hit him in the face and Peaches, the cockatoo, laughed. “She started laughing and carrying on,” Price said. Unfortunately, the worker responded with some choice words. Peaches learned quickly and started repeating, “Go away,” “shut up,” and “shut your f#*kin’ mouth.” According to Price, “She says a lot of very bad words. It is difficult to get birds to stop using words they have learned. We obviously don’t repeat them.” Jessica was immediately concerned that the zoo's attendance would plummet. But this bird's language isn't keeping people away from the zoo, in fact, it's bringing more people to the zoo. Jessica Price says, "We had several people come in and say I want to see Peaches the foul mouthed fowl and Kobe the poop throwing chimp. We don’t encourage it.”
"It took three or four of us to hold her down," bartender Robert Willmette said.
When she was escorted outside, the 21-year-old woman "went crazy," Willmette said, throwing punches at him and others, including an off- duty police officer.
Patrol officers and detectives then arrived at the neighborhood bar and blocked off the street, which inflamed the woman's rage even more, a police report said. Before police could handcuff the woman, she headbutted the off-duty officer at least twice.
The off-duty officer was treated for cuts, scrapes and bruises.
After treatment for injuries, the woman was booked into the King County jail for investigation of assault. She was also held on a warrant issued for a previous theft charge.
According to bartender notes, she had only a single shot of Jagermeister.
What is the difference between a world war and an EMO band’s performance?
12/4/93, Treno’s, Urbana, IL
mine.
Don Gerard, bass
Adam Schmitt, vocals & guitar
Jay Bennett, vocals & guitar
Mike Hazelrigg, drums
-One super, super group
-One show
-One night of power pop brilliance
-Priceless
. . . Dean of Discipline Dick Justice never showed.
It’s on . . . David Lee Roth is definitely back with Van Halen. This isn’t just a reunion, it's considered a new band. Roth, who left the band in 1985, has been very supportive about the addition of Wolfie Van Halen on bass saying there's a "new energy" that might lead to a world tour and a new album. "The idea is that this will continue on and on and on," said the 52-year old singer before wrapping up Monday's press conference with, "ha, cha, cha."
Phil Rizzuto
Happy birthday to possibly the greatest product of the Champaign-Urbana music scene, a man who once said, “I always try to give my songs as gifts" and "I choose to express myself. "
Merv Griffin
A slightly used compact disc by The Moon Seven Times, titled Sunburnt, in sealed wrapper and ready to add to your all time favorite Artist collection. Good music is a perfect gift for a birthday, fathers or mothers day, or just to say I love you with a song to your Dad, Mom or you're handsome/sexy person in your life, just about anyone who enjoys spending time listening to tunes or just some relaxing mood music for special occasions. We have many other books and other items like antiques, collectibles, home & garden needs, tools & hardware, electronics, computer parts & accessories, clothing, Harley gear, motorcycle parts, snowmobile parts like Ski Doo, Polaris, Arctic Cat, Sno Jet, Chaparral, auto parts like Ford, Chevy, Dodge, Chrysler, and a lot more! Thank you, Good Luck and God Bless!!
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Put a chart in front of him.
Contrary to various rumours and unreliable reports - a dick justice reunion seems plausible for next Spring.
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the a 20-story building?
Paul Stanley is a true renaissance man. Since the early 1970’s his been the primary singer and songwriter for legendary showmen KISS. He’s been in movies and television shows. He’s taken a turn on the acting stage, playing the title role in The Phantom of the Opera. Now, he’s an artist.
Ok, Ok . . . it’s true, my father’s ashes are safe and secure under a sturdy English Oak . . . however, I did, in fact, snort just a bit before they were interred. What I found out is that ingesting your ancestors is a very respectable way of... y'know, he went down a treat.
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an EMO band’s performance?
Lee Hazelwood
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Judy Hagan lost her beloved pet eight years ago. She always planned to have the dog interred in an adjacent plot when her time comes. Recently, she purchased two plots and had the pup moved to his final resting place. Unfortunately, some of the townsfolk in Uniontown, KY don’t appreciate the name on the gravemarker. Some are calling it disrespectful to the families in this cemetery. Hagan tends to the grave and speaks about the uniquely-named dog, as if it were her child. Some have suggested that the dog’s name should have been censored before being committed to granite. "His name wasn't poop-head," she said. "His name was S---head, and I'm proud of it. I don't care who gets mad over it."
A new reality show debuts tonight. Follow the "forgettable" members of 98 Degrees, N'Synq, Color Me Badd and LFO as they give it one last try to shed those pounds, work on their facial hair and regain their fame. Mission: Man Band - VH1 - 9 p.m. CST.
