Musician Joke Friday

Banjo Joke Thursday

What do banjo players use for birth control?

Their personality.

Master P-hole Goes to Washington

Percy Miller, AKA Master P, has cashed the checks and cleaned up his rap. He testified in front of a congressional panel on 9/25 with producer David Banner. The “reformed” gangsta rapper is now pioneering clean lyrics through his own record label. Currently, “P” and his actor-rapper son Lil’ Romeo are the only acts on the label, rapping as “The Miller Boyz.” They have an exclusive deal to sell the profanity-free CD in Wal-Mart. "I am not trying to take away anyone's freedom of speech," said Miller, 40. "I'm concerned about the constant use of profanity. We need to clean up our lyrics, but not turn our backs on the entire hip-hop community, because they're not the problem. The artists are the puppets who are controlled by the puppeteers. It's time for accountability." He then exited the proceedings to his awaiting Bentley . . . the one he purchased with royalties from the release of “Ice Cream Man” . . . the album that included seminal tracks, “Time to Check my Crackhouse” and “Watch Dees Hoes.”

Emo Joke Wednesday

What's the difference between a good emo band and Bigfoot?

There have been sightings of Bigfoot.

“All the kids love them”

Some Minneapolis residents are walking in the pope's shoes. That's after two big boxes from Rome arrived at Sharing and Caring Hands, a homeless mission. Recently, the Rev. Joseph Johnson, the rector of the Cathedral of St. Paul gave some friends from the Vatican a tour of the facility while they were visiting the Twin Cities. Sharing and Caring Hands has an on-site shoe room, but director Mary Jo Copeland didn't know what was in the big boxes when they arrived. "Father (Johnson) says, 'That's from the Pope.' I said, `What do you mean? The Pope,'" said Copeland. She opened them to find several dozen pairs of handmade Italian shoes to give to the poor. Tasha Allen, who received a pair of the shoes, said, "It's a blessing for everybody. All the kids love them. The parents love them, too. I just can't stop smiling. Thank you pope." Included with the shoes was a photo of the Pope and a note.

Stakes Well Done

THIS JUST IN...!

All of the members of Probably Vampires have died.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

A trombone player is sorta like an appendix . . . they can both be a big pain; you don't miss them when they're gone & no one's figured out what good they are.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . . again

Marcel Marceau
(1923-2007)

I snorted him . . . quiet, yet physical. His was a totally live experience.

…gotta go, mime is money!

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Alice Ghostley
(1926-2007)

I snorted her . . . she was plain, but charming.

Feline-Rautha

Major Tomcat

Musician Joke Friday

What's the difference between a large pizza and a "professional" musician?

The large pizza can feed a family of four.

Possibly Bad Idea Thursdays: "Tip Your Hat Again?"

According to slightly reputable reports, the principal members of the band the Moon Seven Times have indicated they would consider re-forming to play at least one show, possibly Summer 2008.

Don also said he would, if asked, participate and noted nine months may actually be ample time to get back down to his "playing weight".

No word, however, as to whether any M7x "fans" are interested.

Please feel free to cut and paste your own response and post it in the comments section:

A) I would climb any mountain, Sail across a stormy sea. If that's what it takes me, the Moon Seven Times, to show you how much you mean to me. And I guess it's just the early-90's-ethereal-with-pop-hooks-sensibility in you that brings out the fan in me. I know I can't help myself. You're all in the world to me.

B) What else is going on that night?

C) Jeez! For the love of Pete, let it go already!

Operators are standing by.

[This message was paid for by "Friends of the Committee to Obtain Perspective" and is not necessarily the opinion of members of the Moon Seven Times. Void where prohibited. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball]

Banjo Joke Thursday

When do banjo songs sound the best?

When they're over.

Living In A Post 9-19 World

Aw, Yeah, Ivan Needs New Hockey Skates, Baby...Come On...

My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac...

Hum Stars Cadillac

Emo Joke Wednesday

You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good EMO singer. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

The Society For The Historical Preservation and Appreciation of Local Music Presents: The Martyrs - Marketing Geniuses!

Ride the SLUT . . . get a Griesedieck

In Seattle, a new trolley line is scheduled to open in December. The South Lake Union Trolley will connect an important transportation hub with a new and growing area. Rumors persist that the new service will offer an upscale experience, possibly including a bar exclusively serving a microbrew looking to revive its brand.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Brett Somers
(1924-2007)

I snorted her . . . she was saucy and a little gravely.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

Why are trombone players considered shifty?

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as it is played!

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? Vol. 11

...The Bowery Boys in the Daily Illini circa 1987 (note: Listen to the track "Just As Fun"...Champaign-Urbana Rock must seep into the ground water)

...trodding clumsily directly upon the line between "clever" and "stoopid".

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories?

...Special "the photographer let Don sit in front" edition:

Steve Pride and His Blood Kin

New Feature - "THE GREATEST SONGS EVER!"

"I like the Starbuck's here. It's better than the other one 'cause the other one's not as good..."

We will start off with the greatest pop song ever written:

"Shop Vac" by Jonathan Coulton




You're welcome.

Musician Joke Friday

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Dead Celebrity Birthday of the Day

Roald Dahl

b. Sept. 13, 1916
d. Nov. 23, 1990

Admirable

"I think Nowak should be admired for traveling across the country at night and not getting out of her car to put in gas or go to the restroom," Apollo 11 Astronaut Buzz Aldrin said about a former astronaut charged with attempted kidnapping. Lisa Nowak was arrested in February after police said the married mother of three had driven nearly 1,000 miles from Houston to Orlando, Fla., to confront another woman. "Astronauts are not superhuman. They lead ordinary lives and have varied personalities," Aldrin said in comments published on Time magazine's Web site. "It is not excusable, but it is understandable for an achiever to fall into a trap." Aldrin said he suffered from alcoholism and depression for years after faking the whole moon landing thing.

Banjo Joke Thursday

What do you call a good musician at a banjo concert?

A visitor.

Emo Band Name Contest

If you can't beat 'em join 'em. We believe our “research” in pulling together Emo Joke Wednesdays has made us experts on the subject. As such, we’re considering starting our own Emo band. However, first things first, we need a name. Secondly, we need your help. Included below are examples to get the ball rolling. Please take a moment and either 1.vote on what you see here or 2.if you have something else we should consider, post your preferred Emo band name in the comments section for all to enjoy.

The winner of this little contest gets the honor of having named what will surely be the most blatantly pathetic group ever associated with the genre. Do us proud.

Examples for consideration:

- The Chill of Fall
- Spilt Milk, Crying Over
- Wah!
- Rugburn Tears
- Melancholy and Mascara

Cum on down . . .

Cash . . . prizes . . . SEX!! Officials in the Russian province of Ulyanovsk came up with a novel idea to help Russia address its demographic crisis . . . they are hosting “Conception Day” and urging residents to take today off from work to make patriotic love. Prizes for producing a child on June 12 (Russia Day aka Constitution Day), nine months from today, are promised. Last year, prizes included refrigerators, televisions and an off-road vehicle. The entire campaign includes parties to promote love, family and babies; a competition for the “best young family” and “best love letter”; and classes “on the family and sex”. The governor’s slogan is simple . . . "Give Birth to a Patriot on Russia Day.” An informal poll supported the decision as “groundbreaking” and “fun.” However, one respondent, who wished to remain anonymous due to a potential conflict of interest, dismissed the campaign as “silly” and “ridiculous.”

Emo Joke Wednesday

If you took all the EMO bands in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

Mayor may not be around much longer . . .

Recently, Tonganoxie, KS Mayor Mike Vestal sent what was meant to be a humorous e-mail message to a few male friends. Unfortunately, he also accidentally sent it to a Lawrence, KS TV reporter. The message featured a picture of a topless woman and announced an impending new holiday: National Female Breast Appreciation Day. It went on to say, “Beats the (expletive) out of Martin Luther King Day! Doesn’t it?” Vestal used a Monday night City Council meeting to apologize for sending a risqué e-mail message and has offered to resign if constituents asked him to.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Jane Wyman
(1917-2007)

I snorted her in the cool, cool, cool of the evening. Early on she cracked wise, however, she turned sensitive, almost timid before a very dignified finish.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

At The Risk of Having Our Back Stage Passes to the Buzz Awards Downgraded, We Respectfully (sic) Make Another Blues Brothers' Reference...

"Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips!"

After 132 shows, a 5-year run, 3 drummers, and a reduction from a trio to a duo, Triple Whip is finally placing the period at the end of the sentence. We have one last show and hope you are able to make it out to this killer lineup. Come early; we go on first!

Thursday, Sept. 20
8pm @ Mike’n’Molly’s, $5
Pygmalion Music Festival presents:
Terminus Victor
Tunnels
Lucky Mulholland
Dignan (bonus: they have cute T-shirts, see/hear www.myspace.com/dignan)
Triple Whip


~~~~~<@ our thank-yous @>~~~~~

***Hi all - what more can I say than a heartfelt thankyou to everybody who has been supportive during my tenure with Triple Whip. Everyone who came to gigs, said they enjoyed the music, booked us, gave us press/radio play, or helped with logistics. Especially I'd like to thank my husband Michael Allen (of Royal Electric) for his constant, reliable help with everything band-related. If you're interested in watching me hit things post-TW, there are plenty of opportunities this fall to see me play solo marimba. Often the shows are free. All my gigs are listed at www.myspace.com/janeboxallmarimba. For some time now I've been working towards other drumming projects which I expect to debut publicly before too long. The easiest way to keep up to date on these is to join my (approximately monthly) marimba email list - subscribe by sending an email to janeboxallmarimba@gmail.com
Thanks again and stay in touch,
Jane.***

~~~I’d like to thank you all for getting the oddity of this band. Champaign-Urbana’s music community has some of the nicest people—musicians and supporters—and it’s been a pleasure to be part of it through Triple Whip. I must thank my bass teacher, Triple Whip founder and ex-singer/guitarist, Santanu Rahman. (He’s busy doing badass things in Austin—a public-access kung-fu TV show is now in the works! And for fun he made a tai chi music video to a Snake Creeps Down song.) If you’d like to be in the know about my post-Triple Whip rock, or my current creative project—my true-story comic strip www.girlseyes.com—email info@girlseyes.com or see my blog at www.myspace.com/girlseyes. Thank you so much!
Holly~~~

Monday, Monday...

Tales from the record store . . .

A Sunday in 1993, Champaign, the band, reunites for an afternoon performance at Lincoln Square Mall. Pauli Carmen, Michael Day, Rocky Maffit and others use the ever vacant Record Service as a make shift, pre-performance retreat. Our clerk (friend to all, stranger to none) approaches Day and reminds him of a band equipment sale the band hosted out of Day’s house nearly a decade earlier. The clerk, still in high school at the time, attended with members of his punk band, “The Aborted Babies” (as profiled in Maximum Rock N Roll in 1985), to see about picking up some cheap mics. The band is rebuffed by the esoteric nature of the instruments offered and, more to the point, the lack of microphones available. They leave empty handed, however, pleased to know that they’ve met a member of the internationally known band. The clerk recounts the experience to Day as Carman approaches. Coming in at the end of the story, Carman remarks, “I remember that sale. Did you buy anything?” “No,” replied the clerk. “There was nothing there suitable for an Aborted Baby.” Both Carman and Day, stunned silent, stare in what seemingly appears to be abject horror . . . perhaps disgust. As they back away from the desk and start to head out to the staging area, the clerk says, “Hey, let me give you my number. If you ever decide to do it again, let me know . . . I still remember where you live, Mike.” They keep going and the clerk thinks he hears a nervous laugh from Day as he exits the store. “Have a good show, guys. I’ll be here when you get back.” They don’t return and someone else comes to collect the stuff left behind.

Have the terrorists finally won?

In July, Kyla Ebbert was kicked off a Southwest flight for wearing an outfit deemed by a flight attendant to be “too revealing.” Ebbert has acknowledged that she was lightly dressed because she was taking a same-day trip to Tucson, AZ for a doctor's appointment. The temperature in Tucson that day was forecast to be between 100 and 110. What’s next - a tax on laughter?

Musician Joke Friday

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He called it "baby," caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Even Better Than My Big Ten Inch...

TIN006: Dis - Small Fry Sessions 1 & 2 (1992)
Dis went back to Steve Albini's basement to record the second full-length release on Twelve Inch. This record sold out of its first run of 1000 very quickly. When it came time to repress the CD the band demanded that they get the profit rather than let us invest it back into the repressing. We bowed to the pressure, ponied up the cash for the next 1000 CDs ourselves, and sold approximately 5 more copies in the next 5 years. This was probably the only time in history that a band made more money than their label.

After growing weary of calling up stores directly to distribute our records, Twelve Inch signed a distribution deal (or was it a Mephistophelean pact?) with Cargo Records.

TIN007: Hum - Electra 2000 (1993)
The first appearance of the classic Hum lineup. Tim Lash joins up on guitar and the band went back to IDFUL to record with hipster engineer Brad Wood. The first Twelve Inch release that actually came out on 12" vinyl. This album, along with a healthy diet of touring, set the stage for the band's breakthrough two years later. Unfortunately when "You'd Prefer an Astronaut" went ballistic and "Electra 2000" started selling like hotcakes, Cargo decided that they no longer needed to pay us. An indie label's greatest dream is that one of their bands will go on to great success and the back catalog will start selling and the wealth generated can be used to release more great indie records. But did I mention that Cargo never paid up? I hope they used the money to put out more records...

The History of 12-Inch Records

Banjo Joke Thursday

Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?

Measles--you can get rid of the Measles.

B-52 Flew Over U.S. With Nuclear-Armed Missiles

Having been told of the error, President Bush retreated to his study with key advisors to brush up on essential strategy. After 5-minutes, he emerged, remarking, “This is a good band, an American band. I’m a fan of this band and have spent many nights enjoying their music, especially “Private Idaho” and “Dance this Mess Around”. I have no reason to believe they mean to attack us. We don’t know how they got the nuclear-armed missiles but we are in the process of retrieving them and hope to have them safely secured by the end of their fall tour.” When reached, lead singer Fred Schneider called Bush a “giant clam” insisting he was “in a jam” before hopping in his whale-sized Chrysler and setting sail.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Luciano Pavarotti

(1935-2007)

I snorted him . . . refreshing. There's nothing quite like a high C in the morning.

Country Music - How Novel!

Jon Bon Jovi - pictured here with his brand-new look he thought of all himself (tousled hair, sunglasses, tie) - is putting out a new album of "new" country (sic) music, a genre he recently created.

The title, which BJ made up without any help, is the resoundingly original "Lost Highway".

Paul Westerberg was unavailable for comment at press time.

A cover story on (the Replacements) in Musician Magazine, February 1989, in which they were labeled "The Last, Best Band of the 80's", solicited a letter from hair-metal band superstar Jon Bon Jovi. In the letter, Bon Jovi asked, "If The Replacements are the last, best band of the 80's, how come I've never heard of them?"

Come On, Little Rabbit...

Happy Birthday to Super-Fly Champaign-native Lyle Hodges...

Emo Joke Wednesday

Why are EMO band sets limited to one set?

So they don't have to retrain the drummer.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.