I believe in Unicorns and Rainbows

Nigerian Internet scams were thought for years to be so transparently fraudulent that they would work only on the very gullible, who would send thousands of dollars overseas in the naive expectation of receiving millions in return.

However, it was also too good to pass up for a professional money manager, the longtime treasurer of Alcona County, Mich., Thomas Katona, who admitted in court in January 2007 that he had lost $1.25 million of taxpayer money, plus his own life's savings, in a Nigerian scam. [Detroit Free Press]

Emo Joke Wednesday

What's the difference between an EMO band and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

I snorted Horatio J. Hoodoo.

He was dry, acerbic and a little fruity.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?

He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

RIP Charles Nelson Reilly -- January 13, 1931 – May 25, 2007

My brother-in-law, Jeff Tweedy of Wilco, was a huge Charles fan. A few years ago, when Jeff was in town mixing the Wilco CD "Summerteeth," we brought Charles to the recording studio for a visit. Charles immediately had the entire rock crowd under his spell. They all wanted to pose for pictures with him and they seemed more excited to see Charles than if a member of the Rolling Stones had wandered in. Someone handed him a CD by a band called the Didjits called "Full Nelson Reilly" and Charles signed it to Jeff, "From one rock star to another." -- LINK

Reviving a Brand . . .

A St. Louis powerhouse brewer from 1911 to 1960 is attempting a comeback. Taglines currently under consideration:

1.Looking for satisfaction? Grab a . . .

2.Nothing goes down smoother than a . . .

3.Slurp, gulp, oh. . . .

4.Our superior quality means you’ll never choke on a . . .

Vote, or submit your recommendations, in the comment section.

Memorial Day

Remember.

...send check made out to the "Shawna Morrison Education Fund"
c/o Radio Maria, 119 N. Walnut St., Champaign, IL 61820.

Who Are You?

Roger Daltry, taking a break from recording The Who’s new “computer-based” album, believes this summer's Live Earth concerts are an environmental hazard; due to the amount of air pollution believed will be caused by flying the acts in to perform. "The last thing the planet needs is a rock concert,” said Daltry. “I can't believe it. Let's burn even more fuel. My answer is to burn all the f**king oil as quick as possible and then the politicians will have to find a solution."

Spinal Tap, reuniting for the first time since the release of 1992's "Break like the Wind" responded, "It's really more about our comfort, init?" Tap will be debuting their new single, "Warmer than Hell," at the concert scheduled for Wembley Stadium on July 7.

Musician Joke Friday - Not Actually A Musician Joke Edition! - OR - Ryan AdamSchmitt!

Adam Schmitt - "Demolition"
Released September 11, 2001

Ryan Adams - "Demolition"
Released September 24, 2002

...has it been long enough to note Adam Schmitt's album - released on Sept. 11, 2001 - contained the cut "All Alone On A Crashing Plane"?

“and now I can drink and drive . . .”

Talk about lazy.

According to AP, Las Vegas tourists exhausted by the gluttony laid out before them are getting around on electric "mobility scooters." That’s right . . . updated wheelchairs.

For about $40/day, perfectly healthy tourists are checking their pride and using transportation intended for the infirm.

They don't have to take a step.

They don't even have to put your drink down.

"It was all the walking," 27-year-old Simon Lezama said on his red Merits Pioneer 3. Lezama, a trim and fit-looking restaurant manager from Odessa, Texas, rented it on day three of his five-day vacation, "and now I can drink and drive, be responsible and save my feet."

Musician Joke Friday

Q: Why do drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard?



A: So they can park in the blue spaces.

Niiiiiiiice . . .

Awwwwwwww....

De-Forest Kelly (and Tawny and Brittney and Shamika and...)

Markus Nikolai - Bushes (Norman Cook remix)

...tip of the hat to GAMERA.

Mel C averts the apocalypse . . . “I Won’t Reunite With Spice Girls”

The girls have been spotted together several times in the last few months, fuelling rumors that a reunion is in the works. However, “Sporty Spice” (AKA "The Smart One") says that if it does go ahead, it will be with out her, “I don't want to be the spoilsport, no pun intended, but if the other four do it then I think I'll be in a dilemma."

Emo Joke Wednesday (Special Goth Edition)

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Death.

[thump]

Emo Joke Wednesday

What's the difference between a singer in an EMO band and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Hot damn, I'm throwin' rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude.

Bowling can be a challenge. Just ask Bill Hargrove (no relation to Edward), the oldest active bowler in the history of the game. On May 9, Hargrove, of Clermont, OH, celebrated his 106th birthday.

Shortly after learning that Burkhalter scheduled the next round of the senior's tournament for a Saturday, Hargrove's teammate was heard to exlaim, "I told that kraut a f**king thousand times I don't roll on shabbas." Followed up by screaming, "Shomer Shabbas!"

Tuesday Just Became the BEST Day of the Week! - OR- Wednesday May Be "Hump Day", But Tuesdays Are For Bonin'!

Ladies and gentlemen...
Without further ado, please allow us to present the inaugural edition of "Trombone Joke Tuesdays!"

What is the difference between a frog and a trombone player?

The frog may actually have a gig in his future.

<<< BREAKING NEWS >>>

From International Music Correspondent Sari Maw:

+44 singer Mark Hoppus posted the following message on his myspace page on Wednesday (May 16): "For the past year and a half we have been saying how +44 will never play blink-182 songs. In interviews, when people ask about it, we say it won't happen, we think it's lame, etc. Last week we changed our minds. And tonight during our set we played 'What's My Age Again'. You see, Travis and I LOVE our history with blink-182, and it seems a shame to let those songs sit dormant forever because of what happened two years ago. And that song is SO much fun to play. So why not? It was awesome to play that song live again. We're having the time of our lives out here. See you at the shows."

[editor’s note: Hold up! Blink-182 broke up? What about Sugar Ray, they’re still together – right?]

Musician Joke Friday

On a recent day in Heaven, St. Peter evaluates new arrivals:

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician in an opening band. I helped make sad people happy."
(after the chuckling died down) "Well . . . Ok . . . you can load in through the kitchen. However, you’ll have to stay in front and your lights and sound will be cut by 1/3."

Very Secretary, But Does She Know Dick?

Dietkus named new Downtown Danville director

By Pam G. Dempsey

Friday, May 18, 2007 10:30 AM CDT

DANVILLE – Downtown Danville Inc. has a new director.

Rachael E. Dietkus will join Downtown Danville Inc. as its new executive director Monday. She replaces Michelle Blanchard, who served for six years. Blanchard resigned in March before moving to join her husband in Louisiana.

Dietkus is a 2000 graduate of the University of Illinois with a bachelor's degree in sociology and served as program director and director of development with University YMCA in Champaign. She has also been a delegate to the United Nations Commission on Human Rights and Human Rights Council in Geneva, Switzerland and as a commissioner for City of Urbana Human Relations Commission.

The Danville native and Danville High School graduate said she became intrigued with Downtown Danville Inc. after researching it when she came across the job posting. She wasn't looking for a new job, she said, but thought it would work well to find a position in the place where she lived.

Dietkus has been a violinist since she was 10 years old and said she plans to use her musical experience to satisfy the community's desire for more art and music.

She said she would like to expound on all genres of music and introduce events such as art festivals and musical festivals that draw beyond an evening concert.

"I'm so lucky," Dietkus said. "I'm finally able to focus on an area I feel I often neglect because I'm working." Dietkus said she also wants to build on what former director Blanchard has done during the past six years, such as bringing more businesses to the downtown area.

"I could not have asked for a better environment," Dietkus said. Board President Debbie Roberts said there were between 15 and 20 applicants for the job.

"Rachael possesses varied and unique experience in areas of financial development, project initiation, management, and implementation. She also has a strong background in research, public speaking, and working with volunteers, committees and boards," Roberts stated in a press release.

"We feel that Rachael has the qualifications and creativity, as well as the energy and enthusiasm, to continue the momentum of Downtown Danville Incorporated."

Two juice box minimum - no cuts

Inside My Head

From International music correspondent Sari Maw:

George Huntley, lead guitarist in indie rock sensations The Connells, has been located. After departing the band, Huntley remained in hometown Raleigh, NC and became a successful real estate agent. Sources close to Huntley claim that “No one knows Raleigh real estate better.”

The Connells . . . you know, the guys that sang “Slackjawed” and “74/75.” No? If you were hip in the late 80’s or early 90’s you had to have heard them on college radio. Still nothing? Come on! They sold over a million copies of their 1993 album “Ring” . . . you know, the one produced by Lou Girodano? They toured all over the world. What do you mean, who’s Lou Giordano?! How about some old photos? Here’s George in “band days”. He’s the one in the upper right corner with the bitchin’ sideburns (sweet). Here’s another one from their darker period. He’s the one 2nd from the left with the schmata on his head (double sweet). Really, that’s him.

Never mind. I'm off to see if I can find anyone associated with Del Amitri.

...Plus, He Does Not Say "Also, Can You Rap?", Just, "Can You Rap?"

"Sometimes it is a little sad when you find your Holy Grail..." -- Todd Fletcher

Big Hug!

. . . somewhere Tinky Winky quietly smiled to himself and then went on about his business.

“Don’t Believe A Word”

The boys are back in town . . .

Coming soon to The Armada Room . . . Irish rockers Thin Lizzy recently announced plans to reform and embark on a tour at the end of the year. The band, formed in 1969, broke up in 1984. Original lead singer Phil Lynott died in 1986 as a result of a heroin overdose. Scott Gorham, who first joined the band in 1974 as a replacement guitarist, is the only member of the “classic” line-up participating in the sell out.

Interestingly enough, Gorham reformed Thin Lizzy in 1996 . . . a band that has consistently toured with rotating musicians for the past 11 years.

Karaoke-Dokey (No Smokey)

KARAOKE TONIGHT!

Embassy Tavern
114 S. Race St.
Urbana

Go. It will be fun.

Signed, "Very Concerned"

Dear Abby,

I think my wife is cheating on me.

I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her cell phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called, she gets evasive.

Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A buddy of mine, who is also a guitar player, told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening.

I said, "Sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she shows up, and who she shows up with."

He agreed.

Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other three.

Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?

Signed,
Very Concerned

...a tip of the hat to Dawna Nelson.

Minor Concern

Anybody heard from American Minor lately?

...tip of the hat to Ed Burch!

Happy Mother's Day

BELLEVILLE , Ill. – Andrea Sharos, 37, was arrested for providing beer to minors, just 18-months after an alcohol-related accident killed her 15-year-old son. Not long after she was freed on $100 bond Sharo called the sheriff's department to complain that deputies had confiscated liquid "mixers" for her margaritas.

Tales from the record store . . .

Record Service, Lincoln Square Mall, the Saturday before Easter:

Clerk 1 (observing someone quickly leaving the Mall with several items, assumed to be food trays, halfway hidden under a jacket): What’s Bob (Rising) doing?

Clerk 2 (reading, not looking up): Probably shopping for Easter dinner.

Clerk 1: Oh. (long pause) Hold on, does he still work at LSB?

Clerk 2: No. But he still gets “benefits,” if you know what I mean.

The next day, Clerk 1 joins his family at Jumer’s Castle Lodge for Easter brunch. The “Easter Bunny” takes great interest in Clerk 1’s table, returning more often than not to repeatedly give candy to Clerk 1 while mussing his hair and giving him hugs. Clerk 1’s family thinks the attention is great and snaps a photo of the two together. Clerk 1, not knowing who is in the costume, is somewhat uncomfortable. About the middle of the meal, the “Easter Bunny” returns and leans in close to Clerk 1’s ear:

Easter Bunny: Dude [name of Clerk 1’s band} rocks!

Clerk 1 (whispering in disbelief): Bob?!

Easter Bunny (cryptically): Yeah – I was just in the kitchen.

Clerk 1 (with all blood draining from his face, under his breath): I was afraid of that.

The Easter Bunny pats him on the head and leaves. Clerk 1 quickly recommends that his family finish what they have before them and adjourn to the family homestead for dessert.

All Mod Cons

In a turn of events that has left many scratching their heads, Rick Buckler and Bruce Foxton have sold out their 20-date U.K. reunion tour. Settling on the name, “From The Jam,” the band debuted last week in Oxford , England to rave reviews. A second tour in larger venues is planned for November and December, with the band coming to North America in 2008.

Hitching their wagon to this rising star, 2nd rate automaker Kia has donated a Sedona to the band for its touring purposes.

When reached for comment last October, on the eve of the reunion announcement, original singer/guitarist Paul Weller said he would only consider reforming The Jam if he and his children were "destitute and starving in the gutter." The "modfather" described the idea of bands reforming and revisiting material as "sad". However, this did not stop Weller from hosting a three-night stand in New York City in February with each night dedicated to a different phase of his musical career, including a full night of hits from The Jam.

In other news . . . Dexy’s Midnight Runners have announced a 25-date European tour to coincide with the 25th anniversary of their release “Too-Rye-Ay”. They will be playing their song to an estimated crowd of tens.

He is so gay and fancy free . . .

. . . and I wish I had all that he has got. Hey!

Officials in Apex, N.C., finally confiscated the 80 sheep that David Watts had long been keeping in his home as pets (he slept upstairs, they downstairs), with the final straw coming when some of the sheep wandered into the local cemetery and munched on fresh floral arrangements. The town had apparently tolerated Watts's eccentricity for years because of his pleasantness. Said a next-door neighbor, "(Officials) felt like he was (merely) living an alternative lifestyle." [News & Observer (Raleigh, N.C.), 3-27-07]

W. Wabansia at 4 a.m.

Just in from international music correspondent Sari Maw:

Edward Burch moving to Austin, Texas – will host one final show at The Hideout in Chicago, IL on Monday, June 11. Show starts at 8 p.m. and is scheduled to last until sometime the next week.

Guests scheduled to appear:
Leroy Bach
Jay Bennett
The Police*
John Stirratt
Steve Dawson & Diane Christiansen
The Flamin’ Groovies*
Cheap Trick*
Quartet Parapluie
XTC*
and others

*not scheduled to appear

One for the road . . .

Attention all touring bands . . . here’s a little somethin’ somethin’ to keep the road fun. “Drown the promoter” was supposedly pioneered by a seminal rock act during their early tours. It’s simple and should save you driving time.

Between cities, avoid stopping for potty breaks . . . relieve yourselves in the passenger-side well of the touring van. Once at the club, exit the van through the front doors and seek out the promoter. A spokesperson should be appointed in advance and the rest of the band should scatter once onsite. The band spokesperson explains to the promoter that important documentation (or something else relevant to the show) was left in the backseat of the van. Help is requested while the band spokesperson gets “settled." Watch the fun as the promoter (or one of their flunkies) opens the side door and gets flushed away.

Note: this game works best when traveling outside of your home base as local promoters are prone to grudges.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Spidey pulls out all the stops for a $148 million weekend!














Sneak preview of "Spiderman 4 . . . Jump the Shark":

Get Outta Town!

Taste of Chicago, Saturday July 7, 2007
Petrillo Music Shell in Grant Park

Cheap Trick
w/ Soul Asylum
and Cracker

The Kids Are Alright (...well, actually, one left and one right)

...Steve Ucherek (who apparently bought some duds at Skip "Monte - The Best Colorman In The Business" Graparis' garage sale) after the Living Blue's set opening for OK Go at Foellinger Auditorium.

Musician Joke Friday

Did you hear about the opening band so loved and cherished that members were regularly invited into the headliner’s tour bus and dressing room?

It doesn't matter . . . they were an opening band . . . they still never got a sound check and were required to set up in front with their stage power and lights cut by one-third.

Tales from the record store . . .

Record Service, Spring 1993:
John Linnell (thin, accordion) and John Flansburgh (not thin, guitar) of They Might Be Giants stop to shop in campustown on their way to a show at Eastern Illinois University . Flansburgh checks out first.

Clerk (recognizing Flansburgh . . . not as a band member but as someone he met the previous evening at the Blind Pig): Hey, man. How’s it going? Is this all you need today?

Flansburgh: Fine. Yeah – that’s all. How are you?

Clerk: Doin’ great. Dollar pints was pretty great last night?

Flansburgh (playing along): Yeah – drank a bit too much, always do.

Clerk: I hear that. Hey – I’ve got our time for Bandjam this weekend. We’re playing at 3 p.m. – you gonna make it?

Flansburgh (still playing along): I’ll be there – lookin’ forward to it. Anything special planned?

Linnell approaches the counter to check out. Standing side-by-side, the clerk realizes that he’s made a huge mistake. However, his hangover prevents him from remembering the name of the band.

Clerk (awkwardly): Hey . . . it’s you guys . . . would you mind signing this? (Bandjam flyer)

(Both Johns smile politely, sign flyer and then stare blankly at the clerk)

Clerk (trying to laugh it off as he hands Flansburgh his bag): So . . . should I save you a spot down front on Saturday?

No response as the purchases are collected and the Johns file out.

Tales from the Record Store - bonus
Approximately two weeks later . . .
Better Than Ezra’s singer/guitarist Kevin Griffin is spotted but, again, mistaken as someone new to the C-U music scene. The band is in town for a show at Follinger Auditorium. The clerk approaches and Griffin acknowledges him. About two sentences in the clerk realizes that, again, he’s made a huge mistake . . . yet can’t place the singer with his band. He wishes him a good show and decides to limit his participation in dollar pint night.

"I'M WITH THE BANNED!": COUNCIL PERSON DEBORAH FRANK FEINEN RESPONDS TO PLEA TO REPEAL THE BAN!

To: Champaign City Council
Subject: RE: Repeal Hastily Adoped Oridnance ASAP!

Once again I have nothing but praise for esteemed members of the Champaign City Council Vic McIntosh, Deb Frank Feinen, that one new woman who was a Child Care Director, the Mayor and the guy who manages the tobacco store.

Our community deserves representation by individuals who will not only shrewdly identify ordinances - hastily enacted by previous City Councils - which have unequivocally adversely effected local business, but will also work fervently to reverse them.

It was a sad day when one of the area's most beloved nightclubs, Mabel's, closed its doors in 2000 after the City Council rushed to enact an ordinance limiting its liquor sales. Perhaps Paul Faber will find some solace - or even raise a toast with an alcoholic libation - when the first "Topless Adult Entertainment" venue opens its doors on campus.

I am certain the Mayor himself will heartily endorse a proposal to overturn the ban and cheerfully proclaim, "I don't think it's ever been proven that there have been any deaths from (viewing naked boobies)."

Regards,

Don Gerard - 2011
XXXX X. XXXXX Street
Champaign, Illinois 61821

>From: "Deborah Frank Feinen"
>To: "Don Gerard"
>Subject: RE: Repeal Hastily Adoped Oridnance ASAP!
>Date: Thu, 3 May 2007 10:02:47 -0500
>
>Thank you for the e-mail.

Next Position Please

Cheap Trick guitar wizard Rick Nielsen's new line of acoustics fails to find its market. "A couple more necks should do it," Nielsen was heard to say after disappointing first quarter sales were released.