The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Albert Hofmann
1906-2008

I snorted him . . . whoa, what a trip. Logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead and the White Knight is talking backwards and the Red Queen's "off with her head!"

Does His Baloney Have A First Name?

Name That Tune, Mr. Spock!

1. This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose if it so befits me.

2. She chooses to purchase a terraced incline directed toward a postlife paradisiacal region.

3. I request that you prevent a large, glowing orb consisting of incandescent gas from committing fellatio upon my person.

4. The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been manufactured for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.

5. Allow me the honour of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of a member of the family Ursidæ of the order Carnivora.

6. Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of blocks of baked clay.

7. You provide illumination for the period of time delimited by my nativity and the complete cessation of my metabolic functions.

8. And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.

9. The deity had little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule viridescent seed-bearing fruits.

10. Expresses deep affection toward yours truly in the manner of a hardened igneous object.

11. Please remove yourself from the immediate vicinity of my visible collection of minute water particles, Dr. McCoy.

(originally appeared in SPY Magazine)

Saints Be Praised . . . (click on image)

Don't Tell A Soul . . .

On 4/22, Rhino/Rykodisc reissued four albums by The Replacements that were originally released on Twin Tone Records. Used copies were available at Amazon.com by noon. Oh yeah, 17 years after they disbanded, Tommy and Paul are considering a reunion, if you call it that. Reports are session player Josh Freese will replace original drummer Chris Mars and an unnamed lead guitarist will replace the late Bob Stinson.

The Long Road to May . . .

Bob Rising is a greedy bastard. He’s abandoned the Fisher Price drum kit upon which he built Driver Has No Cash’s sound and reputation in favor of a sponsorship. “Highest dollar gets the gig,” Rising was reportedly heard to comment. Front runners include the Cannon-Ka-Boom Mini Junior kit and the TKO Complete Junior kit. Lead uke-slinger, Bill “Williwaw” Whitmer remains brand loyal. You can count on him to rock the “jellyizer” when the band reunites on 5/25 at The High Dive.

Meat Honcho Overload

Come on do what you did...

Today's Loser . . .

Nico Marquardt

The 13-year-old made international headlines recently when he supposedly spotted a NASA miscalculation on when a “killer” asteroid could/would collide with earth. NASA fired back today with, “This student's conclusion reportedly is based on the possibility of a collision with an artificial satellite during the asteroid's close approach in April 2029. However, the asteroid will not pass near the main belt of geosynchronous satellites in 2029, and the chance of a collision with a satellite is exceedingly remote. Therefore, consideration of this satellite collision scenario does not affect the current impact probability estimate for Apophis, which remains at 1 in 45,000.” Ouch, that stings.

Better luck next time, whiz kid!

Don Gerard Presents: Liz Mozzocco's Spam Mail Box

we caught you naked liz.mozzocco! check the video

"oh noes!" -- Liz Mozzocco, radio personality/amateur nudist

New Feature: Flamboyant Korean Drummer Mondays!

Korean Drummer Rocks Out - Watch more free videos

Graphic Content Thursday

see more funny graphs

...a tip of the hat to Miss Andi.

Liz Mozzocco Presents: Don Gerard's Spam Folder

Slimmer + impotent = Popular?

The Long Road to May . . .

Menthol is reeling after receiving their second “cease and desist” letter in as many decades.

This time a leader in the tobacco industry has taken umbrage with their moniker. Back in the early 1990’s, the group came together as “Mother”. After interest from the majors, it was learned that “Mother” was a pretty common band name (and previously trademarked). Changing their name to Menthol for their Capitol Records debut, the band thought they were in the clear. No dice. All these years later, ole papa smoke, the maker of the nation’s leading menthol flavored cancer stick, has come calling – threatening to take all that he is owed.

Left with little choice, the band has had to change their name once again. Come see "The Jackson 5" at The High Dive on 5/25.

The Grim Reaper Checks In . . .

Charlton Heston
1923-2008

I snorted him . . . It's people. It is made out of people. They're making our blow out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for blow. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!

Ramones Will Not Play Sun City (Despite Never Being Asked To Do So)

“We felt slapped, hard, in the face,” Groff says of Elsinore's nomination as “Best Folk/Americana Band” this year, noting that the group's sound has evolved and “it was evident that no one (at WPGU/Local Music Awards) knew our band enough to know where to stick us.”

CUMS-BS has never actually heard Elsinore (neither the "old" folky-Americana-y Elsinore nor the new-and-improved "Elsinore2: Electric Bugaloo"), however, has a pretty good idea of where they can stick it.

In other news: CUMS-BS is holding open auditions for its own new band, "The Self-Righteous Brothers"...purely coincidental, we assure you.

I want you to want . . . more

Today's Loser . . .

Fans of Music

The New Kids on the Block announced today they are officially reuniting for a tour and new album. The debacle kicks off May 16 at New York’s Rockefeller Plaza.

NEW FEATURE: Liz Mozzocco Presents: Don's Spam Mail Folder!

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Klaus Dinger
1946-2008

I snorted him . . . Aerodynamik - turned me into a Man-Machine

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