Friday, August 31, 2007

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? - Vol. 9 continued


Extracted from deep within the archives . . . 12/3/93 . . . Daily Illini . . . Diversions. The only known "press" related to supergroup "mine". Since the story also deals with dick justice, this post also doubles as your Musican Joke Friday.
The DI failed to clarify Bennett's statement as to why the benefit show would probably be "mine's" only live date. Rumor has it that "Don Gerardo" had to satisfy a prior tour commitment to support his hit single, "Rico Suave."

Dancing Fools Friday Before A 3-Day Weekend: "Its A Ballroom Blitz" - or- "Hip Hop!"

Aw, hells-to-the-yeah...

...it is a Lindy Hop throwdown, y'all.


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Clarification from the Grim Reaper . . .

Let's get one thing straight . . . I did NOT snort Leona Helmsley. And I won't snort her little dog either. Come on, folks - give me credit. I'm a man of wealth and taste. One look at her in life and I could tell she was rancid.

“Love” continues from beyond the grave

Details on billionaire Leona Helmsley’s will became public recently: $12 million to her dog Trouble and nothing to several close family members! Oof. Her estate has been valued at between $4 billion and $8 billion, the bulk of which she left to her charitable trust. Two of Helmsley's grandchildren and all of her 12 great grandchildren got zilch -- "for reasons which are known to them," Helsmley wrote in her will. Trouble is "infamous for having luxurious taste" and a nasty temper, according to the New York Post. The dog will only eat gourmet foods and refuses to dine from a bowl, insisting on being handfed. Lovely animal. If there's any justice in the world, eight-year-old Trouble will enjoy his twilight years being cared for at a spa lovingly known as “Le Mill.” Helmsley also provided for Trouble in death . . . his remains are to be interred in the family0 Mausoleum.

F*ck Music, We Need MAPS!



How Can You Help?

The children of the US America are in deep trouble. Because some people out there don't have maps. Such as South Africa.

Therefore, you must email us maps to make it better.

EMAIL: maps@mapsforus.org

Donate To The Cause

Your views of Attack of the Show's webpage will encourage our children to believe that there is a future outside of Asia. A future with maps. And such. South Africa.


http://mapsforus.org/

Banjo Joke Thursday

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Hilly Kristal
Founder of CBGB
1932-2007

I snorted him in a filthy, smelly, grafitti-covered loo . . . he was smoky, gritty and somewhat musical.

Emo Joke Wednesday

How is an EMO band different from a sewer rat?

Some people actually like sewer rats.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I shoulda learned to play the gee-tar

International correspondent Sari Maw filed the following:

Reportedly, back in the day, members of Dire Straits were in a store and saw a wall of televisions displaying a Motley Crue video. Apparently, that experience inspired Mark Knopler to pen the hit tune “Money for Nothing.” Rumors abound about the inspiration for “Two Young Lovers” (Alchemy, 1984).

Trombone Joke Tuesday

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

An optimist.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Woundsgate – more lyrics leaked

Fresh from the living room sandbox, further insight into the forthcoming June & the Exit Wounds album has been made public. “Jolly (Ha Ha) Rancher” is a departure for June mastermind Todd Fletcher, evoking the electronic funk and dance music of the early 1980’s . . . complete with a processed vocal treatment ala Cameo. On the surface, the Opus transports the listener back to the often missed charity candy-selling days of high school. However, the underlying sexual tension between the narrator and his fundraising subject may be too much for some. Caramello, indeed.

Jolly (Ha Ha) Rancher:
jolly rancher, jolly rancher
I see your ranchers, girl

baby whatchyu
whatchyu got in your mouth
I know I saw some jolly rancher
don't try to sike me out

got fifteen minutes
until the school bell ring
teacher turn around
so I can do my thing

first some tangerine to start some fun
then a sour apple flat on your tongue
now baby show me what that tongue can do
bend it round into a horseshoe

bridge:
I know I used to be the mellow fellow
spend my dollar on a Caramello
oh but girl your fund raising days are through
I see your ranchers girl just give me one or two

holdin tight, can't shake it loose
shrinky dinkin while it sticks on my tooth
some are green, some are orange, and some blue
I see your ranchers girl just give me one or two

Musician Joke Friday

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"


Thursday, August 23, 2007

I will bury you . . . with my musculanity!

Russian President Vladimer Putin, herein known as “Vlad tha Bad”, surprised many by taking off his shirt during his vacation in the Siberian Mountains. He then quietly commented to an aide (with a wink), “Show me round your snow peaked mountain way down south. Take me to your daddy’s farm.”

Lyrics From Forthcoming June & Exit Wounds Album Leaked to Press!

Local music legend Todd Fletcher has emphatically stated he has retired from making records.

However, our intrepid reporter Dick Gazinia recently caught the former Twiggy and June & the Exit Wounds frontman revealing a bit of the famed lyrical acumen which has cemented (like a pair of concrete swim trunks) his place in the C-U Music Hall of Fame as one of the most commercially successful - yet locally ignored - musicians in the modern era:


"Yo ma, yo pa,
yo greasy, greasy grandma.
Shes 99. She thinks she's fine.
She got a big ol' butt like Frankenstein.

your ma, your pa,
your greasy greasy grandma.
gotta big behind like Frankenstein.
she goes beep beep beep down sesame street."


Banjo Joke Thursday

What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond?

A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

His balls belong to the fans

Barry Bonds’ record breaking home run ball is going to auction. Fan Matt Murphy will sell it online because he can’t afford to keep it. The Federal Government began taxing him on the expensive souvenir as soon as he took possession. I'ts perceived by the government as income. "I don't have the bank account," Murphy said. "It would have cost me a lot more to keep it." Sotheby's/SCP Auctions will handle the sale and estimate the ball will bring at least $500,000. The ball from Bonds' 755th home run hit Aug. 4 in San Diego also will be for sale. The same company sold the balls from Bonds' 700th homer and No. 715 that passed Babe Ruth for second place last season. Bond has laid no claim to his balls.

Emo Joke Wednesday

Why do EMO bands travel so often?

Keeps assassins guessing.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Trombone Joke Tuesday


How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.

Monday, August 20, 2007

But will it include the secrets to the "kill" screen?

The King of Kong, a documentary on the cut throat world known as competition Donkey Kong, was released recently. However, the directors are already thinking about a dramatization of the documentary. The outline is approved and the film is eight weeks out from a first draft. Johnny Depp, Ed Norton, Greg Kinnear and Nathan Fillion are being discussed as possible leads. Insiders say Topher Grace is days away from signing on to play the unofficial 23rd best Donkey Kong Player in the World.

“Lemme tell ya bout your blood bamboo kid.”

An unidentified Chinese couple has named their newborn “@.” The symbol pronounced in English as “at” sounds like the Chinese phrase “love him.” Written Chinese is comprised of characters and “@” is not currently one that is supported. It is not yet known whether the police, the arbiters of names because they issue identity cards, has accepted baby @. However, it is known that the child will surely get his @ss kicked when he gets to high school.

Represent


You all know Anni Poppen...

...you can do with out those last two beers and that pack of cancer sticks...send the dough you save by abstaining her way...

CLICK HERE!

A Hunka Hunka Burning AWOL CUMS.com


We missed the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death and Musician Joke Friday...



...so sue us.


Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Frog Brothers Are Back . . .

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy . . . 20 years after the original’s release, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander have signed on to reprise their roles in “Lost Boys 2: The Tribe”. Filming begins August 20. P.J. Pesce, the visionary that brought us “From Duck Till Dawn 3”, will direct.

Line forms here.

. . . wait a minute . . . wasn't Max, the "head" vampire, destroyed in the first one. What tha?!


The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Max Roach
(1924-2007)

I snorted him . . . his meter was varied, layered. He defined a whole new experience for me.

A Hunka Hunka Geriatric Love . . .

Just in from International Correspondent Sari Maw:

Thirty years after his purported passing, Elvis, in an exclusive interview says, “Geez, Louise – mama – you lose a few pounds and grow a beard and everyone writes you off as the gardener. I been here tha whole time. Don’t mind the markers in the backyard . . . all part of the landscaping. Plus, people pay through the nose to take a gander. Hee Hee.” With that, The King took care of business and whipped out his comeback tune. It started with. . . a ba, a ba, a ba, a . . . and had something to do with the Spice Girls reunion and pending tour. “Timely always sells,” smiled EP with a wink.

Banjo Joke Thursday

How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

“I want to see Peaches the foul mouthed fowl and Kobe the poop throwing chimp.”

Jessica Price can’t win. Price is the senior zookeeper at an animal sanctuary 30 miles north of Fort Wayne, IN. It all started when a chimpanzee threw feces at a construction worker at the zoo. It hit him in the face and Peaches, the cockatoo, laughed. “She started laughing and carrying on,” Price said. Unfortunately, the worker responded with some choice words. Peaches learned quickly and started repeating, “Go away,” “shut up,” and “shut your f#*kin’ mouth.” According to Price, “She says a lot of very bad words. It is difficult to get birds to stop using words they have learned. We obviously don’t repeat them.” Jessica was immediately concerned that the zoo's attendance would plummet. But this bird's language isn't keeping people away from the zoo, in fact, it's bringing more people to the zoo. Jessica Price says, "We had several people come in and say I want to see Peaches the foul mouthed fowl and Kobe the poop throwing chimp. We don’t encourage it.”

Whoa. So Many Jokes From Which To Choose...


SEATTLE (AP) - A woman attacked a karaoke singer belting out Coldplay on Thursday night, telling him he "sucked" before she pushed and punched him to get him to stop singing, bar staff said.

The man was singing "Yellow" when it happened.

"It took three or four of us to hold her down," bartender Robert Willmette said.

When she was escorted outside, the 21-year-old woman "went crazy," Willmette said, throwing punches at him and others, including an off- duty police officer.

Patrol officers and detectives then arrived at the neighborhood bar and blocked off the street, which inflamed the woman's rage even more, a police report said. Before police could handcuff the woman, she headbutted the off-duty officer at least twice.

The off-duty officer was treated for cuts, scrapes and bruises.

After treatment for injuries, the woman was booked into the King County jail for investigation of assault. She was also held on a warrant issued for a previous theft charge.

According to bartender notes, she had only a single shot of Jagermeister.

Emo Joke Wednesday

What is the difference between a world war and an EMO band’s performance?


The performance causes more suffering.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? -- Vol. 9

12/4/93, Treno’s, Urbana, IL

mine.


Don Gerard, bass
Adam Schmitt, vocals & guitar
Jay Bennett, vocals & guitar
Mike Hazelrigg, drums

-One super, super group
-One show
-One night of power pop brilliance
-Priceless

. . . Dean of Discipline Dick Justice never showed.


Just a gigolo

It’s on . . . David Lee Roth is definitely back with Van Halen. This isn’t just a reunion, it's considered a new band. Roth, who left the band in 1985, has been very supportive about the addition of Wolfie Van Halen on bass saying there's a "new energy" that might lead to a world tour and a new album. "The idea is that this will continue on and on and on," said the 52-year old singer before wrapping up Monday's press conference with, "ha, cha, cha."

Tour Dates (* AARP sponsored):

* 9/27 - Charlotte, NC - Charlotte Bobcats Arena
* 9/29 - Greensboro, NC - Greensboro Coliseum
* 10/1 - Philadelphia, PA - Wachovia Center
* 10/7 - Toronto, ON - Air Canada Centre
* 10/10 - Cleveland, OH - Quicken Loans Arena
* 10/14 - Indianapolis, IN - Conseco Field House
* 10/16 - Chicago, IL - Allstate Arena
* 10/18 - Chicago, IL - United Center
* 10/22 - Auburn Hills, MI - Palace of Auburn Hills
* 10/24 - Minneapolis, MN - Target Center
* 10/26 - Kansas City, MO - Sprint Center
* 10/28 - St. Louis, MO - Scottrade Center
* 10/30 - Boston, MA - TD Banknorth Garden
* 11/3 - E. Rutherford, NJ - Continental Airlines Arena
* 11/13 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden
* 11/20 - Los Angeles, CA - Staples Center
* 11/23 - Glendale, AZ - Jobing.Com Arena
* 11/25 - San Diego, CA - Cox Arena
* 11/27 - Sacramento, CA - Arco Arena
* 11/29 - San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion at San Jose
* 12/1 - Portland, OR - Rose Garden
* 12/3 - Seattle, WA - Key Arena
* 12/5 - Vancouver, BC - General Motors Place
* 12/9 - Edmonton, AB - Rexall Place
* 12/11 - Calgary, AB - Pengrowth Saddledome

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Phil Rizzuto
(1917-2007)

I snorted him . . . Holy cow. Unbelievable, what a finish.

Trombone Joke Tuesday














What is a trombone player's favorite beer?





















Monday, August 13, 2007

The Tao of Dan - part trois

Happy birthday to possibly the greatest product of the Champaign-Urbana music scene, a man who once said, “I always try to give my songs as gifts" and "I choose to express myself. "

. . . and we appreciate it, Mr. Leader of the Band. God speed and good health.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

Merv Griffin
(1925-2007)

I snorted him . . . he was entertaining, enterprising, gregarious and a little bit musical.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Won't Someone Buy Don Gerard's Memories? -- Vol. 8



BONUS (from eBay):

A slightly used compact disc by The Moon Seven Times, titled Sunburnt, in sealed wrapper and ready to add to your all time favorite Artist collection. Good music is a perfect gift for a birthday, fathers or mothers day, or just to say I love you with a song to your Dad, Mom or you're handsome/sexy person in your life, just about anyone who enjoys spending time listening to tunes or just some relaxing mood music for special occasions. We have many other books and other items like antiques, collectibles, home & garden needs, tools & hardware, electronics, computer parts & accessories, clothing, Harley gear, motorcycle parts, snowmobile parts like Ski Doo, Polaris, Arctic Cat, Sno Jet, Chaparral, auto parts like Ford, Chevy, Dodge, Chrysler, and a lot more! Thank you, Good Luck and God Bless!!

Musician Joke Friday

How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Put a chart in front of him.

How do you get a guitar player to stop? Put notes on the chart.

More Sad News

Contrary to various rumours and unreliable reports - a dick justice reunion seems plausible for next Spring.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Sad News



Contrary to various rumors and unreliable reports - there will be no Milo reunion next Spring.



.

You Knew It Was Only A Matter Of Time...BANJO JOKE THURSDAY! INAGURAL EDITION!

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the a 20-story building?

Applause.


Banjo players credo: "You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your banjo under your chair."


.

. . . and all the money honey that I make

Paul Stanley is a true renaissance man. Since the early 1970’s his been the primary singer and songwriter for legendary showmen KISS. He’s been in movies and television shows. He’s taken a turn on the acting stage, playing the title role in The Phantom of the Opera. Now, he’s an artist.

Fresh off his “cardiac event” (and apparently, from his latest promo shot, a face lift) and a few years after his hip replacement Stanley is learning to how to relax and, more importantly, something learned from band mate Gene Simmons, how to make money from his relaxation.

Stanley is currently touring to support his craft, appearing at galleries to shop his wares and mingle with fans/collectors. If you have a spare $58,500 burning a hole in your pocket . . . head to Des Peres, MO on Sat., 8/18 to pick up your original Stanley. Of course, he’s provided for the budget crowd as well. Signed reproductions start at just a little under $1700. Line forms here.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Clarification from the Grim Reaper . . .

Ok, Ok . . . it’s true, my father’s ashes are safe and secure under a sturdy English Oak . . . however, I did, in fact, snort just a bit before they were interred. What I found out is that ingesting your ancestors is a very respectable way of... y'know, he went down a treat.

Emo Joke Wednesday

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an EMO band’s performance?


The tennis final has more men.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The Grim Reaper checks in . . . again

Lee Hazelwood
(1929-2007)

His boots were made for walkin'.

I snorted him . . . there was something stupid about it, a long way from sugartown.

The Grim Reaper checks in . . .

(1999)

I remember snorting him . . . geez, I hate yappy dogs.

Trombone Joke Tuesday

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Hey mister? Don't call that dog lifesaver. Call him Sh#thead.

Judy Hagan lost her beloved pet eight years ago. She always planned to have the dog interred in an adjacent plot when her time comes. Recently, she purchased two plots and had the pup moved to his final resting place. Unfortunately, some of the townsfolk in Uniontown, KY don’t appreciate the name on the gravemarker. Some are calling it disrespectful to the families in this cemetery. Hagan tends to the grave and speaks about the uniquely-named dog, as if it were her child. Some have suggested that the dog’s name should have been censored before being committed to granite. "His name wasn't poop-head," she said. "His name was S---head, and I'm proud of it. I don't care who gets mad over it."

Color me reading a book . . .

A new reality show debuts tonight. Follow the "forgettable" members of 98 Degrees, N'Synq, Color Me Badd and LFO as they give it one last try to shed those pounds, work on their facial hair and regain their fame. Mission: Man Band - VH1 - 9 p.m. CST.

. . . a better title could be "Mission: 9 p.m. - time to start channel surfing."


Friday, August 3, 2007

Kongrats, Krummy!

Great Crusades frontmman Brian Krumm and wife Laura welcome Hazel Josephine.


Born on July 22, 2007 at 10:30 a.m.; 7 pounds and 13 ounces; 19 inches long.